Chapter 5
As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was falling for Damon. I mean…who, with seeing eyes, wouldn’t fall for Damon? Those tight abs, those precious green eyes…the way he just kind of walked his own world. He cared, and that’s hard to come by anymore. It’s not like I’d ever tell anyone this silly emotion – but I’m not like those annoying hesitant girls that have all the hot guys, and when they hesitate to kiss them, you just want to slap the TV and scream, “KISS HIM YOU DUMB PUSS!”
But I don’t want to kiss Damon. I don’t like him that much that I have fantasies of him lying on me or anything. I have the kind of fantasies where their holding hands, along the beach, and he gently lets go and wraps his arm around your waist while the two walk slowly down into the water…
That’s kind of personal, I suppose, but that’s truly what I thought about. He was on my mind, all the time. I’m really weird when it comes to boys. I blush when their my best friend, but I act like their best friend when I like them. Like, I don’t try to act tough to impress them or I don’t try to fall down on my ass and giggle while they chuckle and you’re expecting them to say “you’re adorable.” No, if I fell down on my ass and giggle, I expect them to stare at me like I’m back from the grave or say “you fail”. I’m not the kind that does that. I find it annoying. The dumb sluts are like “oops, I dropped my book,” and they expect you to reach down to get it for you. Or, if they really are blondie sluts, they’ll reach down with their thongs sticking up right in front of your face under those short skirts. Now that really disgusts me.
No, I like Damon as in “ah, what the hell. Let’s hold hands!” kind of like. I’m not in love with him and demand him to do a photoshoot. I don’t stalk him – though sometimes I stare at him when he talks to Fredrick. But that’s beside the point. It’s not called stalking – it’s called “oops, sorry, I’m being a complete creep”.
Speaking of creep, on Friday, the second day of the carnival, the four of us decided to go again so we could stay out later. I was going to protest when I spotted the one person I really did not want to see while I was staring at Damon’s hands writing.
Logan was strolling up to us. My heart raced. Logan was not supposed to be there. He was not supposed to be near me. He was supposed to be in Australia, maybe the Arctic if I’m lucky. Not here. Not now.
Aaron was already standing up, blocking my view. I stood up, sad to see Damon had stopped writing. I gently pushed Aaron out of the way. Josie wrapped her arms around his crossed arms. Damon was still sitting, staring at us all.
Logan swallowed, clearing his throat. “Hey.”
“You have no fucking-”
“Aaron, shut up.” I turned back to Logan. “What do you want? Why are you here? You’re supposed to be dead, in my eyes.”
“Now, Zaylie-”
“Shut up!” Aaron yelled. Fredrick wasn’t there on Fridays, so Mr. Mowery was snoring on his wheelchair. He didn’t even flinch. “You don’t fucking come back once she’s called you a mother-”
“Aaron, I’ve got this.” I shoved him out of the way, again. I met Logan’s eyes. Something inside me cringed. I had really hoped I’d never have to go through with this again. But there we were, staring at eachother, his hands in his pockets.
“Hello, Zee.”
“It’s Zaylie,” I retorted.
He bit a smile back. “Zaylie.” The way he said my name made my heart flutter like it used to. So many memories…so much that came back just by staring at those brown eyes.
“What do you want?” My voice sounded so cold, I swear Satan himself spoke for me.
“I…I just…just wanted to see how you were.” His stare was warm like the microwave. Too warm. Not too cold, not too hot. Just like always.
“Zaylie…?” I turned around, matching Damon’s gaze. He was staring at the two of us. I wanted to reply to him – wanted to say, ‘I don’t know this man.’ But the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth.
“Damon…this is…” It hurt. It emotionally hurt to say his name. “This is Logan.” My chest was exploding. A man I was desperate for – then another man I was desperate for to leave.
“Hi.” Logan flashed Damon a smile. Damon didn’t even blink at it.
“What do you want?” I said sternly.
“I already said. I-”
“Oh, get a load of yourself!” This time, I didn’t stop Aaron. I was too busy trying not to cry. Trying to hide that I was trying not to cry. “You fucking bastard! You go and abuse her like she’s a fucking sex toy, then you go and say you love her! You hypnotized her! Somehow you got her to say she’s fine, she’s alright. But the bruises on her face really didn’t look like she was alright! And when she finally met someone that didn’t try to slaughter her, you got all up in his face, ruining everything for her!” I was crying now. I couldn’t help it. Memories were coming back…all the strong memories Terrence had helped me get rid of. “We don’t want you here. And I’ll have you know – Damon’s doing a well damn good job of caring. Unlike you and your puss. So just leave. No one likes you. No one ever will like you.”
I slammed the back door behind me.
Josie’s arms trapped me from running away further. Which, I knew I really couldn’t. My chest, my shoulders…they were all heaving like I was doing the Butterfly stroke. Everything was blurry from the constant hot tears that screamed at me.
“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay…” She rested her head on mine. I didn’t know if she was crying too or not, but I didn’t care at the moment. My emotions were spinning out of control. I didn’t care that Damon had saw me crying. I didn’t care that Aaron was probably marking his grave…
All I cared about is getting the memories out of my head. And they weren’t going as quickly as I wished they would. They stayed there, and they would stay there. Forever taunting me.
Suddenly, out of the blue, I shoved Jo away. I quickly stood up on my feet…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand. And I fell in his arms, just like that, beginning to sob once again. I felt so pathetic. I felt so used, distorted, confused. I wanted to stand there, in Mr. Slade’s arms, sobbing. Crying. Crying from Logan, crying from Aaron, crying from Terrence…and soon, I was crying because of Damon. What did Damon do, I don’t know. But I was suddenly squeezing him like a fucking teddy bear, making sure he couldn’t ever go. I didn’t care I felt his abs. I felt his warmness, his closeness, his arms wrapped around my waist. And suddenly the beach was in front of my face. Then suddenly I was grasping my head from the sudden pain…
I knew Josie had gone back inside to get Aaron, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. All I really knew was I wanted it to all stop. To all go back. To all just vanish…
Yet I didn’t want it to vanish. I was always the type who thought everything happened for a reason. The scars on my arm were there for a reason. Aaron’s been my best friend since first grade for a reason. Jo’s been my best friend since third for a reason. Logan hit me for a reason. Terrence died for a reason. And now Damon was here for a reason. He had to be. Nothing this…this special could just be there.
*~*
I was still in his arms as my head hit my pillow. I cuddled into him, hugging that teddy bear so he couldn’t run away. So he couldn’t get up and go.
No one was home. They were all at the carnival. The thoughts that normally all teens think when their home alone with a guy never even ran through my mind. I just cuddled into him, making sure he couldn’t escape. His arms around me were the most comforting thing in the world. His sweet breath that swept across my face was like a gentle breeze. The sound of his breathing was completely soothing.
Now I sound like a stalker, but I’m not trying to be. The way Damon felt….it was just all too real. Reality never was real to me. Never seemed real. When I kissed Terrence, it felt like he wasn’t really there; even though he was groping me back. When I matched Damon’s eyes, it felt like it was just us there – no one else, just Damon and me.
And that’s how it was then.
Just Damon and me. Together. Alone. Not in a public place.
I must have been feeling better, because I was suddenly worrying – what if my parents walked through the door? I was nearly on top of the boy! I could imagine them going, “OH MY!” or something of that sort.
I rolled off of him as I heard a door slam. I rubbed my eyes furiously, staring at the time. 2:14. In the fucking morning. Shit.
Damon had already bolted up, viciously squeezing his feet in his tied shoes. He stood up swiftly. His hair was completely screwed up – not like it looked any different, but he still looked as if he was never introduced to a hairbrush. Only he had gained a really odd-looking spike to it.
“Zaylie?” Shit.
I grabbed his shirt, pulling him toward the closet.
“Get in there!” I whispered, shoving him in. It was a shame it had to be Mom and Dad. If it was just Holden, then we’d be fine.
“Zee, I…”
I shut the door, breathing a deep sigh. I straightened my hair, added some quick blush to hide the red cheeks, and ran down the stairs.
“Hey!” I said cheerily. They all just looked at me. Holden was biting back a laugh.
“Zaylie.” My dad’s tone mad chills run down my back. “Who is here?”
I gulped. “No-”
“Hello.” I jumped, mumbling a curse as I did so. Holden let loose his laugh, but not for long as Mom shushed him.
“Who are you?” I wanted to scream at my father.
“I’m a friend of Zaylie’s. I was helping her with math.”
“At 2 in the morning?” Yeah, Damon.
“Yeah, well, we kind of got carried away.”
“Carried away? As in…?”
Dammit, Slade!
“She fell asleep.” He met my eyes. “She doesn’t snore.”
I flashed a quick smile, turning back to my abnormal family. “Yeah. What he said.”
Daddy eyed me like I had just stolen his cupcake or something. Speaking of cupcakes, my Dad wasn’t exactly the skinniest person. He had his body fat. Mom did too, so they were both kind of…plump, while their kids were ‘thin as can be’, as said my Uncle Henry. Uncle Henry…he wasn’t huge, he was just…whatever.
“You’re not going to the carnival now, sissy,” Mom said in her fake stern voice. She’s never stern, by the way. You could be yelling and screaming at her, but she would just say calmly, “now, ZayZay, calm down.”
“Mom…”
“You’re mother has a point.” Dad was still eyeing Damon up and down. Damon wasn’t the most teen-looking boy in the world, for sure. Two out of the three probably guessed he was around twenty one. Holden knew he was seventeen, eighteen this Sunday. Sunday…that was in two days!
Mom broke my train of thought. “ZayZay, I will let you go if you are home in two hours. I want you home at exactly five o’clock. You hear?” I nodded, grabbing Damon’s arm and charging out the door.
We fell over eachother with laughter as we rounded a block or so from the house, out of sight.
“Is…are they always like that?” He asked, collapsing beside me on the grassy curb. “My parents were exactly like that. We were slightly on the rich side. I played football. It was like…my life. My father was part of a government conspiracy. He…he pushed me to go on. Like…I was supposed to become some famous football player like OJ without being a killer or something. My mother thought differently. I admired how she walked her own world. She’d kept us going, kept us living. Yet she’d leave us over and over again…even though she was physically there.” I could really feel the mood had gone down at least fifteen notches. He was shaking his head. “Dad always told me the reason she never really talked was because of something that happened when I was born. It wasn’t until I was thirteen I found out she had a daughter before me. My sister. The day she turned five, they took her to go swimming.” He bit his lip so hard, I swear I could see imaginary blood dripping. “She snuck out before them, and got on that diving board. They were yelling and screaming at her to get down…to get down and go. But she wouldn’t listen. She was yelling back…look, Mommy, I can fly…and she flew. She didn’t jump though.” It was too dark to tell if he was crying or not, but I had that feeling in my stomach that he was. “The board was still slippery from the past party. She slipped…fell…hit her head off the stone wall, which snapped her pretty little neck.” His hands were balled up into fists now. I was getting kind of scared. “Mom was five months pregnant with me.”
I slipped my arms around his, tears coming down from my cheeks as well. I couldn’t imagine finding out about this.
His next use of his voice made me bury my face in his arm. “Dad wasn’t aware he had his tape recorder on. I was digging through the attic trying to find Dad’s old football and instead I found that. I watched it all. Watched her head hit the wall, watched her neck shoot up in a scary way…watched her body slowly sink, then float back up with her face in the water. I heard the screams, saw my mother’s already round belly running toward her. Someone knocked the camera over and it ended.”
I felt his head lay gently down on mine, felt his free hand cover mine. His hair smelled of oranges. His breathing was heavy. So he wasn’t crying. He was trying really hard not to cry. While his friend there was basically sobbing her sinuses out.
“Tell me about him,” He whispered. His voice was really shaky now. “Please.”
I wasn’t sure who he was talking about…but I knew. I just wanted to play stupid, tell him Terrence never happened. Tell him he never existed. Tell him my last boyfriend really was Logan. I wanted to just bawl all over again, but I couldn’t. Terrence was, and always will be, real. Reality defeating me again.
I nodded gently, well enough for him to know I moved. I didn’t want to talk about him. I didn’t need to talk about him. But I knew I had to someday. I needed to tell someone everything. Leak out those tears once more. Leak those black drops in my heart out for everyone to see. I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t see. It was nearing 3 am. The sun would be up in hours. I had two to tell him everything.
“Everything?” I whispered.
“It’s up to you.”
I swallowed. So hard I could feel it fall down to my stomach. The scars on my body twitched as I took a deep, shaky breath.
“Terrence Allen Hostetter. Was able to speak Welsh. Would always say, ‘mi serch ti’. I love you in Welsh. The weirdest part was…he wasn’t a lick of Welsh. He was German and Irish, mostly French. As far as anyone knew, even his sister, who I made friends with...he never even took a lesson. He just knew it. He had jet black hair with the most gorgeous deep, brown eyes that people often thought was just black. His sister’s name was Rachelle. I didn’t loose my virginity with him…I’d kind of already lost it with Logan.” Deep breaths, Zaylie. “I met him at Wal-mart, actually. I was desperate to try on a shirt, so I took one of the passes and opened a clothing booth and there he was, his checkered boxers showing, his shirt on the floor, his eyes staring widely at me. I was completely in shock, so I slammed the door and ran out of the store, completely forgetting about the t-shirt. The next day, the first day of tenth grade, I found he was in my homeroom, and he was seated in the seat beside me. Alphabetically, up the rows. He blushed, as well as I did. I thought it’d be okay then, but it wasn’t. He was also in my Geometry, Spanish, Gym, and lunch period. So, finally after a week, Aaron forced me to sit with them. Aaron had made good friends with this boy. They were both on the basketball team. Josie was cautious with him at first, but soon she warmed up. I was the only one who absolutely hated him. I didn’t even know why, either…I just was.”
Damon was now shaking. It wasn’t even cold, but our teeth were chattering. “Ob-obvious…obviously y-you two g…got tooogether.”
I broke a smile through the tears. “Yeah. He cornered me at a basketball game and demanded to know why I didn’t like him. I couldn’t tell him anything though, because I didn’t know. I’m guessing it was because he never mentioned the clothing booth situation. But after that, we finally got to the point where we were inseparable. We did everything to eachother. Then he found out about Logan when Logan got all up in his face, starting to hit him. They got into this really big fight. Only the Vice Principle could get them off of eachother. Terrence was distant for a bit…until I did the exact same thing to him. I cornered him at a game, demanding to know why he was avoiding me. And he kissed me.” Tears were running down my face. “He took my waist, pressed me against him, and kissed me. I remember hearing the applauds coming from Aaron and Josie.” I didn’t dare tell him what happened to Terrence and I after the game. He probably didn’t want to know that I followed him back to his house.
“Zaylie…”
“No. I’m fine.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “Really. I am.” I sniffled, cuddling into him even more. “So there we were. Four months of happiness.” I blushed at the sudden thought. “Remember how I said…I had no booze, no sex…that kind of stuff?”
I heard him chuckle. “Yeah.”
I swallowed. “Well…I used to. I used to drink, have sex. But after Terrence announced he had leukemia…I just stopped. I didn’t care. I didn’t care how much my body physically needed him. I didn’t care how much I wanted to get drunk…none of that existed for the last month of him. For the last month I made sure I was locked up in the hospital for him. Josie and Aaron tried to get me away. They tried to tear me away from him – tried to cheer me up. They never got drunk with me, but I knew they were sleeping together. Anyway…so, for a month, I laid around with him, making sure he was still breathing. Even when his hair fell off and he vomited, I was still there, by his side. The only time I wasn’t there was when…when he fell asleep. I was seeing a counselor my parents had forced upon me. When I went back to the hospital, I heard them say, ‘December 24’. Christmas fucking Eve.” I was crying hard again, just like two hours ago, but I didn’t care. I felt his grip on my hand tighten. “After that I wouldn’t come out of my room. I had grounded myself. I didn’t blame anyone for me not being there for him. I just…I just couldn’t go out and face the world again. Not yet. So I sat in my room and moped for around a week until my brother hacked my door open and sent Aaron and Josie in to get me out. They showed me I could live a little, so I did. In a week or so I was okay.” I swallowed. “He still won’t get out of my head, though. I hear his ‘mi serch ti’ all the time. It’s so annoying!” I bit my lip really hard, squeezing my eyes. I felt like I was part of Damon’s Dad’s conspiracy. I had just told one of the biggest secrets that could effect the world.
“I know how you feel.” Was he whimpering? “My parents left me. I live with their old housekeeper. Talk about annoying.”
“Why’d they leave you?”
It must have been really painful, because as a car passed, I realized he had his face in his hands.
“HEY!” We jumped, looking on down the street. My development was huge, so the two could’ve been calling anyone. But another car passed, and we realized it was Mr. and Mrs. Bear running, hand in hand, down the street. Wait. That wasn’t Aaron beside Josie. Who the fuck was it?
“Hey…” Josie collapsed to the ground. Mr. Bear, Aaron’s actual father, was standing next to her. Collapsing to the ground wasn’t a very good idea for a pregnant girl to do.
“Air…Aaron…he’s…he needs help!” Josie finally wheezed. Mr. Bear’s face was completely twisted into a horror-filled expression. My stomach knotted.
“What happened?” Damon demanded.
“He’s…he’s shot. He got shot!” Mr. Bear yelled. Damon stood up like a football player, took Mr. Bear’s arm, and started to haul him away.
I crawled over to Jo. “Josie, breathe! You’ve gotta breathe!” And suddenly I could see the blood on her shirt. Splattered on her face. What the hell was going on?
“I….” She was suddenly screaming, clutching her stomach. The sudden pain swept over me, too. It wasn’t Aaron’s blood on her shirt.
“Josie, Josie, please! Breathe! What happened? Can you tell me that?”
She was moaning in agony, streams of tears running down her face. “Z…Zaylie!”
“Please, JoJo, tell me! I need to get you to a hospital!”
“He st-st-” She cried out in agony. “Stabbed us. He stabbed us!” Numbness flew over me. The familiar numbness. I swallowed it down and took her hand. It was already cold.
“Why didn’t you call the p-police?”
“Mmmm…Mr. Bear s-saw it happen.” She tried to take a deep breath, but it was cut short. “He c-called the police, b…but I…I needed to…to get to you.”
“Why me?”
“B…Because L…Logan did…he did this.”
The sudden chill in the air told me it was true. The sudden way she screamed made me know it was true. Logan did this. It was all him…again.
I dug into my shorts, getting my cell.
“Hello?”
“This is-”
“Look, my two friends has been stabbed! Get your asses over to Carol Street and…and…” The sudden sickening thought made my jaw clench really hard as nausea invaded me. “Just get to Carol Street, please! My friend…she’s been stabbed. On the corner of Carol and Donavon.” I slapped the phone shut. I took Josie’s hand. “They’ll be here, honey, I promise! I promise you!”
And then I did the one thing I knew I’d totally regret.
I laid my friend’s hand down, knowing the neighbors were already rushing outside. I kissed her forehead, stood up, and started to sprint.
Mr. Bear had never knew about Logan. He didn’t know how dangerous he was. Damon didn’t know how dangerous he was – but I had a feeling he really did. Logan would kill them both.
I sped the first five blocks. The carnival was a horrid distance.
Once I ran the fifteen blocks to the carnival, my lungs, my side, my chest, my legs, my head….they were all spinning. They were all bleeding somehow. I never was a success in cross country.
But I had to get to them. It was like senses – I knew exactly where to go. I dove around the arcade, down the steps to the alleyway, around the corner…
And there they were. Damon, Mr. Bear, and Logan. Two of the three with their hands up. I didn’t even notice the figure lying on the floor until Logan motioned toward it.
“He told me you two would come back.” He slammed Damon against the brick wall…repeatedly.
“Stop!” I screamed. They all looked at me. I glanced down at Aaron. His hand was slicked with the liquid, his jersey dotted with dark stains. He was clutching at his shoulder. Fuck no… I looked back up at Logan. “Stop it. Just fucking stop.”
“Cussing at me won’t do shit, Zaylie.” He banged Damon again. The only reason Damon wasn’t reacted was because the gun was pointed right between his shoulders. I cringed. Mr. Bear could’ve moved, but he was still staring at his seventeen year old soon-to-be father son. I took a deep breath, trying to clear my mind just a bit so I could speak.
“Please, Logan. Just stop.”
“I can’t stop, Zaylie!”
“Fuck you can’t! Get that gun from pointing at my friends, and we can talk.” I glanced at Aaron again. His lips were turning blue. Fuck fuck fuck!
“Logan, put it down. Now.”
“Fucking make me, bitch!” Bastard.
“Fuck sake! What the hell is your problem?! You come back to harass my friends?”
“No, I didn’t. I came back to tell you something, whore.”
“Just fucking say it then!”
“I still love you. There. I said it.”
My mind was the last thing that wanted to shut down, but it shut down anyway. I can’t recall what happened then, but I know I was crying like right away. How fucking dare he say that. How fucking dare he lie about it. He’s never loved me. I realized that. He was just a big fucking waste of everyone’s lifetime.
Like I said, I can’t recall what happened and how Mr. Bear was sitting on Logan, or how Damon was frantically checking Aaron, and repeatedly making sure I was okay.
I can’t remember what happened until we reached the hospital, where they checked me anyway to make sure I was okay. I was physically okay. I knew all of them could tell my emotions were completely hysterical, but I couldn’t help it. I was numb. All over.
I sat outside Aaron’s ER room, staring at my grass-stained shoes, staring at Damon’s grass-stained shoes, staring at the white linoleum floor. Hearing the frantic voices of the doctors.
I remember hearing the news that Josie was going to be okay – but no one really knew what would happen to her baby. No one knew what happened to Logan. He was probably thrown into a cell or a mental hospital. I remember around two hours later hearing Aaron was going to be okay…but, yet again, no one really knew what would happen between the two ‘fucking lovebirds’.
As for me and Damon…we were okay. We sat in the hospital, not really acknowledging eachother except to ask, “Can I see that magazine?” or say, “Any word on the two?”
Mr. Bear was okay, also. He must’ve been the one to take charge, because he had strained his right shoulder pretty badly.
I knew it was Saturday night, but I never really knew what time it was. So, finally moving from napping, I grabbed Damon’s arm, turning it so I could see the watch. 12:23. I started to grin.
“Happy birthday,” I whispered. He opened his groggy eyes, stole his watch back, looking at it. A sleepy chuckle escaped his lips.
“Thank you,” He whispered. He grabbed my arm, pulling me toward him. I’d been sleeping on couch, forcing him to sleep on the recliner next to Josie and Aaron – who, luckily, were actually surprised and amazed to see eachother. A love that never ended, that’s them. Anyway, I got up, feeling the cold floor under my bare feet. He slid over as far as he could go before falling off the chair. He pulled me to the empty spot next to him. I didn’t exactly fit – we were both cursing and muttering as we tried to share the blanket that blocked the horrid freezing air of the hospital between the two of us. Finally, it all worked – I was facing him, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, my face pressed against his chest, his had resting on top of mine, my legs crossing his, the blanket covering both our worlds as we drifted back to sleep.
To Be Continued
As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was falling for Damon. I mean…who, with seeing eyes, wouldn’t fall for Damon? Those tight abs, those precious green eyes…the way he just kind of walked his own world. He cared, and that’s hard to come by anymore. It’s not like I’d ever tell anyone this silly emotion – but I’m not like those annoying hesitant girls that have all the hot guys, and when they hesitate to kiss them, you just want to slap the TV and scream, “KISS HIM YOU DUMB PUSS!”
But I don’t want to kiss Damon. I don’t like him that much that I have fantasies of him lying on me or anything. I have the kind of fantasies where their holding hands, along the beach, and he gently lets go and wraps his arm around your waist while the two walk slowly down into the water…
That’s kind of personal, I suppose, but that’s truly what I thought about. He was on my mind, all the time. I’m really weird when it comes to boys. I blush when their my best friend, but I act like their best friend when I like them. Like, I don’t try to act tough to impress them or I don’t try to fall down on my ass and giggle while they chuckle and you’re expecting them to say “you’re adorable.” No, if I fell down on my ass and giggle, I expect them to stare at me like I’m back from the grave or say “you fail”. I’m not the kind that does that. I find it annoying. The dumb sluts are like “oops, I dropped my book,” and they expect you to reach down to get it for you. Or, if they really are blondie sluts, they’ll reach down with their thongs sticking up right in front of your face under those short skirts. Now that really disgusts me.
No, I like Damon as in “ah, what the hell. Let’s hold hands!” kind of like. I’m not in love with him and demand him to do a photoshoot. I don’t stalk him – though sometimes I stare at him when he talks to Fredrick. But that’s beside the point. It’s not called stalking – it’s called “oops, sorry, I’m being a complete creep”.
Speaking of creep, on Friday, the second day of the carnival, the four of us decided to go again so we could stay out later. I was going to protest when I spotted the one person I really did not want to see while I was staring at Damon’s hands writing.
Logan was strolling up to us. My heart raced. Logan was not supposed to be there. He was not supposed to be near me. He was supposed to be in Australia, maybe the Arctic if I’m lucky. Not here. Not now.
Aaron was already standing up, blocking my view. I stood up, sad to see Damon had stopped writing. I gently pushed Aaron out of the way. Josie wrapped her arms around his crossed arms. Damon was still sitting, staring at us all.
Logan swallowed, clearing his throat. “Hey.”
“You have no fucking-”
“Aaron, shut up.” I turned back to Logan. “What do you want? Why are you here? You’re supposed to be dead, in my eyes.”
“Now, Zaylie-”
“Shut up!” Aaron yelled. Fredrick wasn’t there on Fridays, so Mr. Mowery was snoring on his wheelchair. He didn’t even flinch. “You don’t fucking come back once she’s called you a mother-”
“Aaron, I’ve got this.” I shoved him out of the way, again. I met Logan’s eyes. Something inside me cringed. I had really hoped I’d never have to go through with this again. But there we were, staring at eachother, his hands in his pockets.
“Hello, Zee.”
“It’s Zaylie,” I retorted.
He bit a smile back. “Zaylie.” The way he said my name made my heart flutter like it used to. So many memories…so much that came back just by staring at those brown eyes.
“What do you want?” My voice sounded so cold, I swear Satan himself spoke for me.
“I…I just…just wanted to see how you were.” His stare was warm like the microwave. Too warm. Not too cold, not too hot. Just like always.
“Zaylie…?” I turned around, matching Damon’s gaze. He was staring at the two of us. I wanted to reply to him – wanted to say, ‘I don’t know this man.’ But the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth.
“Damon…this is…” It hurt. It emotionally hurt to say his name. “This is Logan.” My chest was exploding. A man I was desperate for – then another man I was desperate for to leave.
“Hi.” Logan flashed Damon a smile. Damon didn’t even blink at it.
“What do you want?” I said sternly.
“I already said. I-”
“Oh, get a load of yourself!” This time, I didn’t stop Aaron. I was too busy trying not to cry. Trying to hide that I was trying not to cry. “You fucking bastard! You go and abuse her like she’s a fucking sex toy, then you go and say you love her! You hypnotized her! Somehow you got her to say she’s fine, she’s alright. But the bruises on her face really didn’t look like she was alright! And when she finally met someone that didn’t try to slaughter her, you got all up in his face, ruining everything for her!” I was crying now. I couldn’t help it. Memories were coming back…all the strong memories Terrence had helped me get rid of. “We don’t want you here. And I’ll have you know – Damon’s doing a well damn good job of caring. Unlike you and your puss. So just leave. No one likes you. No one ever will like you.”
I slammed the back door behind me.
Josie’s arms trapped me from running away further. Which, I knew I really couldn’t. My chest, my shoulders…they were all heaving like I was doing the Butterfly stroke. Everything was blurry from the constant hot tears that screamed at me.
“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay…” She rested her head on mine. I didn’t know if she was crying too or not, but I didn’t care at the moment. My emotions were spinning out of control. I didn’t care that Damon had saw me crying. I didn’t care that Aaron was probably marking his grave…
All I cared about is getting the memories out of my head. And they weren’t going as quickly as I wished they would. They stayed there, and they would stay there. Forever taunting me.
Suddenly, out of the blue, I shoved Jo away. I quickly stood up on my feet…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand. And I fell in his arms, just like that, beginning to sob once again. I felt so pathetic. I felt so used, distorted, confused. I wanted to stand there, in Mr. Slade’s arms, sobbing. Crying. Crying from Logan, crying from Aaron, crying from Terrence…and soon, I was crying because of Damon. What did Damon do, I don’t know. But I was suddenly squeezing him like a fucking teddy bear, making sure he couldn’t ever go. I didn’t care I felt his abs. I felt his warmness, his closeness, his arms wrapped around my waist. And suddenly the beach was in front of my face. Then suddenly I was grasping my head from the sudden pain…
I knew Josie had gone back inside to get Aaron, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. All I really knew was I wanted it to all stop. To all go back. To all just vanish…
Yet I didn’t want it to vanish. I was always the type who thought everything happened for a reason. The scars on my arm were there for a reason. Aaron’s been my best friend since first grade for a reason. Jo’s been my best friend since third for a reason. Logan hit me for a reason. Terrence died for a reason. And now Damon was here for a reason. He had to be. Nothing this…this special could just be there.
*~*
I was still in his arms as my head hit my pillow. I cuddled into him, hugging that teddy bear so he couldn’t run away. So he couldn’t get up and go.
No one was home. They were all at the carnival. The thoughts that normally all teens think when their home alone with a guy never even ran through my mind. I just cuddled into him, making sure he couldn’t escape. His arms around me were the most comforting thing in the world. His sweet breath that swept across my face was like a gentle breeze. The sound of his breathing was completely soothing.
Now I sound like a stalker, but I’m not trying to be. The way Damon felt….it was just all too real. Reality never was real to me. Never seemed real. When I kissed Terrence, it felt like he wasn’t really there; even though he was groping me back. When I matched Damon’s eyes, it felt like it was just us there – no one else, just Damon and me.
And that’s how it was then.
Just Damon and me. Together. Alone. Not in a public place.
I must have been feeling better, because I was suddenly worrying – what if my parents walked through the door? I was nearly on top of the boy! I could imagine them going, “OH MY!” or something of that sort.
I rolled off of him as I heard a door slam. I rubbed my eyes furiously, staring at the time. 2:14. In the fucking morning. Shit.
Damon had already bolted up, viciously squeezing his feet in his tied shoes. He stood up swiftly. His hair was completely screwed up – not like it looked any different, but he still looked as if he was never introduced to a hairbrush. Only he had gained a really odd-looking spike to it.
“Zaylie?” Shit.
I grabbed his shirt, pulling him toward the closet.
“Get in there!” I whispered, shoving him in. It was a shame it had to be Mom and Dad. If it was just Holden, then we’d be fine.
“Zee, I…”
I shut the door, breathing a deep sigh. I straightened my hair, added some quick blush to hide the red cheeks, and ran down the stairs.
“Hey!” I said cheerily. They all just looked at me. Holden was biting back a laugh.
“Zaylie.” My dad’s tone mad chills run down my back. “Who is here?”
I gulped. “No-”
“Hello.” I jumped, mumbling a curse as I did so. Holden let loose his laugh, but not for long as Mom shushed him.
“Who are you?” I wanted to scream at my father.
“I’m a friend of Zaylie’s. I was helping her with math.”
“At 2 in the morning?” Yeah, Damon.
“Yeah, well, we kind of got carried away.”
“Carried away? As in…?”
Dammit, Slade!
“She fell asleep.” He met my eyes. “She doesn’t snore.”
I flashed a quick smile, turning back to my abnormal family. “Yeah. What he said.”
Daddy eyed me like I had just stolen his cupcake or something. Speaking of cupcakes, my Dad wasn’t exactly the skinniest person. He had his body fat. Mom did too, so they were both kind of…plump, while their kids were ‘thin as can be’, as said my Uncle Henry. Uncle Henry…he wasn’t huge, he was just…whatever.
“You’re not going to the carnival now, sissy,” Mom said in her fake stern voice. She’s never stern, by the way. You could be yelling and screaming at her, but she would just say calmly, “now, ZayZay, calm down.”
“Mom…”
“You’re mother has a point.” Dad was still eyeing Damon up and down. Damon wasn’t the most teen-looking boy in the world, for sure. Two out of the three probably guessed he was around twenty one. Holden knew he was seventeen, eighteen this Sunday. Sunday…that was in two days!
Mom broke my train of thought. “ZayZay, I will let you go if you are home in two hours. I want you home at exactly five o’clock. You hear?” I nodded, grabbing Damon’s arm and charging out the door.
We fell over eachother with laughter as we rounded a block or so from the house, out of sight.
“Is…are they always like that?” He asked, collapsing beside me on the grassy curb. “My parents were exactly like that. We were slightly on the rich side. I played football. It was like…my life. My father was part of a government conspiracy. He…he pushed me to go on. Like…I was supposed to become some famous football player like OJ without being a killer or something. My mother thought differently. I admired how she walked her own world. She’d kept us going, kept us living. Yet she’d leave us over and over again…even though she was physically there.” I could really feel the mood had gone down at least fifteen notches. He was shaking his head. “Dad always told me the reason she never really talked was because of something that happened when I was born. It wasn’t until I was thirteen I found out she had a daughter before me. My sister. The day she turned five, they took her to go swimming.” He bit his lip so hard, I swear I could see imaginary blood dripping. “She snuck out before them, and got on that diving board. They were yelling and screaming at her to get down…to get down and go. But she wouldn’t listen. She was yelling back…look, Mommy, I can fly…and she flew. She didn’t jump though.” It was too dark to tell if he was crying or not, but I had that feeling in my stomach that he was. “The board was still slippery from the past party. She slipped…fell…hit her head off the stone wall, which snapped her pretty little neck.” His hands were balled up into fists now. I was getting kind of scared. “Mom was five months pregnant with me.”
I slipped my arms around his, tears coming down from my cheeks as well. I couldn’t imagine finding out about this.
His next use of his voice made me bury my face in his arm. “Dad wasn’t aware he had his tape recorder on. I was digging through the attic trying to find Dad’s old football and instead I found that. I watched it all. Watched her head hit the wall, watched her neck shoot up in a scary way…watched her body slowly sink, then float back up with her face in the water. I heard the screams, saw my mother’s already round belly running toward her. Someone knocked the camera over and it ended.”
I felt his head lay gently down on mine, felt his free hand cover mine. His hair smelled of oranges. His breathing was heavy. So he wasn’t crying. He was trying really hard not to cry. While his friend there was basically sobbing her sinuses out.
“Tell me about him,” He whispered. His voice was really shaky now. “Please.”
I wasn’t sure who he was talking about…but I knew. I just wanted to play stupid, tell him Terrence never happened. Tell him he never existed. Tell him my last boyfriend really was Logan. I wanted to just bawl all over again, but I couldn’t. Terrence was, and always will be, real. Reality defeating me again.
I nodded gently, well enough for him to know I moved. I didn’t want to talk about him. I didn’t need to talk about him. But I knew I had to someday. I needed to tell someone everything. Leak out those tears once more. Leak those black drops in my heart out for everyone to see. I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t see. It was nearing 3 am. The sun would be up in hours. I had two to tell him everything.
“Everything?” I whispered.
“It’s up to you.”
I swallowed. So hard I could feel it fall down to my stomach. The scars on my body twitched as I took a deep, shaky breath.
“Terrence Allen Hostetter. Was able to speak Welsh. Would always say, ‘mi serch ti’. I love you in Welsh. The weirdest part was…he wasn’t a lick of Welsh. He was German and Irish, mostly French. As far as anyone knew, even his sister, who I made friends with...he never even took a lesson. He just knew it. He had jet black hair with the most gorgeous deep, brown eyes that people often thought was just black. His sister’s name was Rachelle. I didn’t loose my virginity with him…I’d kind of already lost it with Logan.” Deep breaths, Zaylie. “I met him at Wal-mart, actually. I was desperate to try on a shirt, so I took one of the passes and opened a clothing booth and there he was, his checkered boxers showing, his shirt on the floor, his eyes staring widely at me. I was completely in shock, so I slammed the door and ran out of the store, completely forgetting about the t-shirt. The next day, the first day of tenth grade, I found he was in my homeroom, and he was seated in the seat beside me. Alphabetically, up the rows. He blushed, as well as I did. I thought it’d be okay then, but it wasn’t. He was also in my Geometry, Spanish, Gym, and lunch period. So, finally after a week, Aaron forced me to sit with them. Aaron had made good friends with this boy. They were both on the basketball team. Josie was cautious with him at first, but soon she warmed up. I was the only one who absolutely hated him. I didn’t even know why, either…I just was.”
Damon was now shaking. It wasn’t even cold, but our teeth were chattering. “Ob-obvious…obviously y-you two g…got tooogether.”
I broke a smile through the tears. “Yeah. He cornered me at a basketball game and demanded to know why I didn’t like him. I couldn’t tell him anything though, because I didn’t know. I’m guessing it was because he never mentioned the clothing booth situation. But after that, we finally got to the point where we were inseparable. We did everything to eachother. Then he found out about Logan when Logan got all up in his face, starting to hit him. They got into this really big fight. Only the Vice Principle could get them off of eachother. Terrence was distant for a bit…until I did the exact same thing to him. I cornered him at a game, demanding to know why he was avoiding me. And he kissed me.” Tears were running down my face. “He took my waist, pressed me against him, and kissed me. I remember hearing the applauds coming from Aaron and Josie.” I didn’t dare tell him what happened to Terrence and I after the game. He probably didn’t want to know that I followed him back to his house.
“Zaylie…”
“No. I’m fine.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “Really. I am.” I sniffled, cuddling into him even more. “So there we were. Four months of happiness.” I blushed at the sudden thought. “Remember how I said…I had no booze, no sex…that kind of stuff?”
I heard him chuckle. “Yeah.”
I swallowed. “Well…I used to. I used to drink, have sex. But after Terrence announced he had leukemia…I just stopped. I didn’t care. I didn’t care how much my body physically needed him. I didn’t care how much I wanted to get drunk…none of that existed for the last month of him. For the last month I made sure I was locked up in the hospital for him. Josie and Aaron tried to get me away. They tried to tear me away from him – tried to cheer me up. They never got drunk with me, but I knew they were sleeping together. Anyway…so, for a month, I laid around with him, making sure he was still breathing. Even when his hair fell off and he vomited, I was still there, by his side. The only time I wasn’t there was when…when he fell asleep. I was seeing a counselor my parents had forced upon me. When I went back to the hospital, I heard them say, ‘December 24’. Christmas fucking Eve.” I was crying hard again, just like two hours ago, but I didn’t care. I felt his grip on my hand tighten. “After that I wouldn’t come out of my room. I had grounded myself. I didn’t blame anyone for me not being there for him. I just…I just couldn’t go out and face the world again. Not yet. So I sat in my room and moped for around a week until my brother hacked my door open and sent Aaron and Josie in to get me out. They showed me I could live a little, so I did. In a week or so I was okay.” I swallowed. “He still won’t get out of my head, though. I hear his ‘mi serch ti’ all the time. It’s so annoying!” I bit my lip really hard, squeezing my eyes. I felt like I was part of Damon’s Dad’s conspiracy. I had just told one of the biggest secrets that could effect the world.
“I know how you feel.” Was he whimpering? “My parents left me. I live with their old housekeeper. Talk about annoying.”
“Why’d they leave you?”
It must have been really painful, because as a car passed, I realized he had his face in his hands.
“HEY!” We jumped, looking on down the street. My development was huge, so the two could’ve been calling anyone. But another car passed, and we realized it was Mr. and Mrs. Bear running, hand in hand, down the street. Wait. That wasn’t Aaron beside Josie. Who the fuck was it?
“Hey…” Josie collapsed to the ground. Mr. Bear, Aaron’s actual father, was standing next to her. Collapsing to the ground wasn’t a very good idea for a pregnant girl to do.
“Air…Aaron…he’s…he needs help!” Josie finally wheezed. Mr. Bear’s face was completely twisted into a horror-filled expression. My stomach knotted.
“What happened?” Damon demanded.
“He’s…he’s shot. He got shot!” Mr. Bear yelled. Damon stood up like a football player, took Mr. Bear’s arm, and started to haul him away.
I crawled over to Jo. “Josie, breathe! You’ve gotta breathe!” And suddenly I could see the blood on her shirt. Splattered on her face. What the hell was going on?
“I….” She was suddenly screaming, clutching her stomach. The sudden pain swept over me, too. It wasn’t Aaron’s blood on her shirt.
“Josie, Josie, please! Breathe! What happened? Can you tell me that?”
She was moaning in agony, streams of tears running down her face. “Z…Zaylie!”
“Please, JoJo, tell me! I need to get you to a hospital!”
“He st-st-” She cried out in agony. “Stabbed us. He stabbed us!” Numbness flew over me. The familiar numbness. I swallowed it down and took her hand. It was already cold.
“Why didn’t you call the p-police?”
“Mmmm…Mr. Bear s-saw it happen.” She tried to take a deep breath, but it was cut short. “He c-called the police, b…but I…I needed to…to get to you.”
“Why me?”
“B…Because L…Logan did…he did this.”
The sudden chill in the air told me it was true. The sudden way she screamed made me know it was true. Logan did this. It was all him…again.
I dug into my shorts, getting my cell.
“Hello?”
“This is-”
“Look, my two friends has been stabbed! Get your asses over to Carol Street and…and…” The sudden sickening thought made my jaw clench really hard as nausea invaded me. “Just get to Carol Street, please! My friend…she’s been stabbed. On the corner of Carol and Donavon.” I slapped the phone shut. I took Josie’s hand. “They’ll be here, honey, I promise! I promise you!”
And then I did the one thing I knew I’d totally regret.
I laid my friend’s hand down, knowing the neighbors were already rushing outside. I kissed her forehead, stood up, and started to sprint.
Mr. Bear had never knew about Logan. He didn’t know how dangerous he was. Damon didn’t know how dangerous he was – but I had a feeling he really did. Logan would kill them both.
I sped the first five blocks. The carnival was a horrid distance.
Once I ran the fifteen blocks to the carnival, my lungs, my side, my chest, my legs, my head….they were all spinning. They were all bleeding somehow. I never was a success in cross country.
But I had to get to them. It was like senses – I knew exactly where to go. I dove around the arcade, down the steps to the alleyway, around the corner…
And there they were. Damon, Mr. Bear, and Logan. Two of the three with their hands up. I didn’t even notice the figure lying on the floor until Logan motioned toward it.
“He told me you two would come back.” He slammed Damon against the brick wall…repeatedly.
“Stop!” I screamed. They all looked at me. I glanced down at Aaron. His hand was slicked with the liquid, his jersey dotted with dark stains. He was clutching at his shoulder. Fuck no… I looked back up at Logan. “Stop it. Just fucking stop.”
“Cussing at me won’t do shit, Zaylie.” He banged Damon again. The only reason Damon wasn’t reacted was because the gun was pointed right between his shoulders. I cringed. Mr. Bear could’ve moved, but he was still staring at his seventeen year old soon-to-be father son. I took a deep breath, trying to clear my mind just a bit so I could speak.
“Please, Logan. Just stop.”
“I can’t stop, Zaylie!”
“Fuck you can’t! Get that gun from pointing at my friends, and we can talk.” I glanced at Aaron again. His lips were turning blue. Fuck fuck fuck!
“Logan, put it down. Now.”
“Fucking make me, bitch!” Bastard.
“Fuck sake! What the hell is your problem?! You come back to harass my friends?”
“No, I didn’t. I came back to tell you something, whore.”
“Just fucking say it then!”
“I still love you. There. I said it.”
My mind was the last thing that wanted to shut down, but it shut down anyway. I can’t recall what happened then, but I know I was crying like right away. How fucking dare he say that. How fucking dare he lie about it. He’s never loved me. I realized that. He was just a big fucking waste of everyone’s lifetime.
Like I said, I can’t recall what happened and how Mr. Bear was sitting on Logan, or how Damon was frantically checking Aaron, and repeatedly making sure I was okay.
I can’t remember what happened until we reached the hospital, where they checked me anyway to make sure I was okay. I was physically okay. I knew all of them could tell my emotions were completely hysterical, but I couldn’t help it. I was numb. All over.
I sat outside Aaron’s ER room, staring at my grass-stained shoes, staring at Damon’s grass-stained shoes, staring at the white linoleum floor. Hearing the frantic voices of the doctors.
I remember hearing the news that Josie was going to be okay – but no one really knew what would happen to her baby. No one knew what happened to Logan. He was probably thrown into a cell or a mental hospital. I remember around two hours later hearing Aaron was going to be okay…but, yet again, no one really knew what would happen between the two ‘fucking lovebirds’.
As for me and Damon…we were okay. We sat in the hospital, not really acknowledging eachother except to ask, “Can I see that magazine?” or say, “Any word on the two?”
Mr. Bear was okay, also. He must’ve been the one to take charge, because he had strained his right shoulder pretty badly.
I knew it was Saturday night, but I never really knew what time it was. So, finally moving from napping, I grabbed Damon’s arm, turning it so I could see the watch. 12:23. I started to grin.
“Happy birthday,” I whispered. He opened his groggy eyes, stole his watch back, looking at it. A sleepy chuckle escaped his lips.
“Thank you,” He whispered. He grabbed my arm, pulling me toward him. I’d been sleeping on couch, forcing him to sleep on the recliner next to Josie and Aaron – who, luckily, were actually surprised and amazed to see eachother. A love that never ended, that’s them. Anyway, I got up, feeling the cold floor under my bare feet. He slid over as far as he could go before falling off the chair. He pulled me to the empty spot next to him. I didn’t exactly fit – we were both cursing and muttering as we tried to share the blanket that blocked the horrid freezing air of the hospital between the two of us. Finally, it all worked – I was facing him, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, my face pressed against his chest, his had resting on top of mine, my legs crossing his, the blanket covering both our worlds as we drifted back to sleep.
To Be Continued
