Chapter Eight
He appeared out of no where, and literally no where. He just swiftly walked up to me, smiled, waited for my smile to come (which, in case you’re wondering, took nothing).
I just stood there, staring at him, my lips parted. I couldn’t tell if I was breathing – couldn’t tell if, by any chance, I was daydreaming and I was actually gawking at Fredrick. But when his fingers touched my skin…it was real. I knew he was real – all of him was real. His touch, his eyes, his smile… But there was something inside me, something that swallowed the touch. I couldn’t feel him. I couldn’t feel him touching me…
I took a step back, staring at him, tears welling up in my eyes. His smile faded, replaced by his concerned expression; where his eyebrows stitched together, where his eyes grew all concerned, where cocked his head a bit, and asked you if you were okay.
I swallowed, taking another step back, shaking my head, biting my lip. It was controlling me. I didn’t want to fall in his arms. I wanted to run. Run away from Damon. Run away from my family, my brother, Josie, Aaron… I wanted to run away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t run away…because my heart was still screaming at him. Even though my mind was telling me to run away from him, to run…my heart stood up and yelled at everyone, telling them that he’s Damon, that Damon was touching me, that Damon was here. But my mind refused to believe that, and I couldn’t understand why.
My brain was deaf. Soon I was turning away from him, turning away from Damon Slade and running. Running as fast as I could out of the library, out of the parking lot, down the sidewalks.
I didn’t think I could make it back to my house. I didn’t think at all – I couldn’t. It felt like there was this black ink that wouldn’t filter out of my brain – that wouldn’t let me go. Go where, I had no fucking clue. All I knew is that I could barely breathe – I was barely able to get my legs moving. It was like they were shutting down on me. It was like my entire body was failing me. I was gasping for breath as I tumbled down, down, down onto the ground. The pain that covered me didn’t scream, because for once…it didn’t exist. For once the pain didn’t exist, and I was quite alright with that. The memories…the story, the thunder, rain…the conversations, the bed, the need…the songs. The songs never existed. The songs that never…ever…
“Zaylie? Zaylie, answer me, please…”
The songs that wouldn’t get out of my head. The songs that kept telling me…kept willing me…
“…she just collapsed…”
The memories, the story. How the thunder had roared, keeping us quiet. How the hands had held me so tightly…so safely…
“Help her! Please…help…”
Everything, everyone…
“Why are her eyes still open then?! Fucking answer me!”
My conscience…was it ever real? Reality…was it ever fake? Was what I had ever been experiencing…was Josie real? Was Aaron? Holden? Damon? Mommy…help me…
“Her pulse is unsteady…”
Screamo music…abs…Logan…basketball…Holden and Josie…the puzzle never fits.
“Why is it screaming high?!”
Ten forty three. Six thirty six. Four forty four. Five fifty five. Seven eleven.
“Where have you been?!”
Would she hold me if she knew my shame…
“I…no, I’m not her…I’m not her boyfriend…”
I hear no screaming…
“Shut up and listen to me! Do you love her? Do you love her? Damon, answer me!”
They found me. They buried me. Buried me alive. Held me under…under the water…I couldn’t scream…couldn’t hold her…couldn’t scream to her…
“It’s a damn wonder her heart isn’t exploding!”
They crashed around me. They cut me, pulled needles out of me, in, out…they’re killing me…killing me with all they can…
“She’s seizing…”
Fate. Reality. Nothing is true. Nothing will be true.
“You’re not doing it right! Find her vein!”
I am not afraid to keep on living…
“I don’t know…”
I am not afraid to walk this world alone…
*~*
I whirled around to meet his gaze on me. He was more cute then I expected. Thick, brown hair messily placed in every direction. You could see his abs through his skin-tight grey Nirvana t-shirt. His black jeans were quite baggy, but not too baggy like Will Smith’s in Fresh Prince of Bel-air. His eyes were green, and they were smiling at me. At me…
“You can’t make me not see my daughter. I will see my daughter.”
“I’m sorry, sir – ”
My eyes felt really heavy like I just slept for a week. My legs were completely asleep. I took a deep, sighing breath, and slowly, my eyes opened. I looked around me, squirming on the bumpy mattress. Josie was all cuddled up with Aaron on the couch, my family was missing, and Damon was completely sprawled out on the recliner – just like he always slept. The night with Logan flashed through my mind.
I sat up, still looking around. I thought I heard my father’s voice, but he was no where to be seen. I looked over at the clock. 2:34 in the morning. I felt like yawning.
I swallowed – my throat was on fire. My mouth felt like cotton. I reached for the glass of water standing on the nightstand, but instead of gripping it, I pushed it. It tipped over – spilling it’s freezing liquid all over Damon.
I burst into quite a violent laughter as he shot up, the blanket still covering his shoulders. He stared, wide eyed at the soaked spot where he had once sat. Then he looked over at me – the giggling me. He broke into a smile, the shock falling from his eyes in liquid form. Was he crying?
Suddenly his arms were around me, holding me, hugging me. I wrapped my arms around him, too – making sure he couldn’t possibly move. Making sure neither of us would be going anywhere soon.
When our embrace ended, he took a couple steps back, his smile gone. “Do you remember anything?” It was like a movie on fast-forward – I could see everything, but it was all jumbled up and slurred and going to fast. I could remember him coming back, I could remember myself running away from him, I could remember everything…passing out, the voices, the oh-so realistic burial…
“Zaylie?”
“I do,” I whispered. I swallowed, meeting his gaze. “W-Why? Why did I run away from you? I mean…is it your dad? Is he the one who did that?”
“No…no, it wasn’t him. I promise you.” I took a deep breath. “Zaylie…I wasn’t kidnapped. I ran away the night before the flight. Dad was in Sacramento…I had to go see him. He thinks you and I…you and me have a connection. Like…I don’t know, but it wasn’t him. He told me I had a week to say goodbye to you or else he’d tell the entire Council. I can’t have that.”
I dropped my eyes to the bed. I’d been so happy for those first five, ten minutes. Now I felt like crap. Again.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going there? Did your phone run away or something?”
“Verizon doesn’t have legs, so no. Zaybee…I couldn’t. It hurt me too much because of the fact I was going to see my father. You wouldn’t have let me go anyway.”
“No, I wouldn’t have. Why? Because your father is a fucking dinosaur, Damon! He thinks he can just…just control you! How could you let him do this to you?”
“Zaylie…”
“Don’t Zaylie me. You told me…you told me you were figuring a way to stop this. To stop this so you can go back to however you want to. I’m here supporting you, Damon…supporting you more than you know. And I-”
“What do you mean…supporting me better than I know? What don’t I know?”
“Well, Mr. Obviously, if it hadn’t blown off your mind already, the night you told me.” His eyes widened, his lips parting. “Yeah, uh-huh. Suck that lollipop!”
He shook his head, blinking. “You think I’d forget that night?”
“It’s what it sure looks like! You’ve not mentioned it once, we’re not acting upon it, we’re not, maybe, perhaps, talking it over?”
“What is there to talk about!? From the way you were acting, all you really needed was just a tint more than a hug.”
“A tint? A tint?! You were like…all over me!”
“If that’s so, why didn’t you push me off?!” I hadn’t noticed I was standing, staring up at him. I ended at the middle of his chest, so he was basically towering over me. It’s not that I was a puny little thing either – he was a very tall man. A foolish tall man at that, because suddenly his hand was trailing up my arm, gently. I swallowed, closing my eyes. The smoothness of this little gesture of his…well, obviously it wasn’t nothing like I’ve experienced because I’d experienced a lot more than just a hand with him, but still. It reminded me of rainbows in a way. No ponies, just rainbows. A few clouds here and there. Rainbows, raindrops, and the faint aroma of Chocolate Axe all in one. The taste and smell of blueberry. The feeling around my waist, what I was feeling with my hands…
We both shot back, suddenly scared shitless of eachother it seemed. I was breathing quite heavily – too heavily in my opinion. I could still feel my hands going through his hair…
“Possibly not a tint…” he murmured.
“No shit! Geez, what’d you eat, a slushie?!”
“Exactly that, thank you! You tasted…smelled…” He took a deep breath. “Okay, well…you… I’m going to drop that and say…”
“I’m just too explicit for words, love,” I grinned. He rolled his eyes with a smile on his face as I crawled back into the hospital bed.
We heard a few turns and looked over at Josie and Aaron. Josie sat up, Aaron’s arm falling to his side. She squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them, staring at the two of us. When she processed something that was deep inside her, her face lit up, looking alive once again.
“You’re awake!” She squealed, getting up and kicking her boyfriend in the process. She flung her arms around me, holding me.
“Yeah, uh-huh, I’m wide awake.” I met Damon’s eyes, who, instead of blushing like normal average teens, stuck his tounge out at me. So I was the one suddenly blushing.
Josie let go of me, grinning. She turned. “Aaron, wake up! Zaylie’s awake!”
“It’s not like I was in a coma,” I murmured. Only Damon responded.
“Zaylie…” He bit his lip. I couldn’t tell if he was acting or not. Whether what he was about to tell me was actually true or not.
Josie sat on the bed, taking my hand and giving it a light squeeze. “Girly…it’s…complicated.”
I ignored them both, getting anxious. I looked at Aaron, who was biting his lip also. I glared at them all. “I was not in a coma. I was just unconcious for a few hours. That’s all.”
Josie nodded quickly. “Yeah, you weren’t in a coma. But Zaylie…I don’t think it’s my place to tell you. I mean…I think…I think Aaron should tell you.”
I looked over at Aaron, who took a deep breath, glaring at Josie, then looked at me with innocent eyes. “It’s Damon’s fault. Damon should tell you.”
It was like a game with them. Damon glared at Aaron. “You wish it was my fault! I’m not telling her spit.”
I clenched my fists. “Fuck sake, tell me!”
“You’re dad should tell you.” We all stared at Damon. “It’s his place. Not ours.” There was something in his voice, but I couldn’t tell what it was. I would’ve said it was nervousness, but it was something else. Something familiar, but yet something I’ve never heard before.
Around one thirty – almost twelve hours later – I was walking home with Josie. She was going on and on about how her sister was clumsy or lazy or something, and I was thinking on and on and on about Damon kissing me. About how I’d been running my hands through his hair, breathing in his scent like he was the first one in the gas chambers. I couldn’t help but think…what if his dad was right? What if we did have a connection? I knew not to believe his dad – even if he told me Damon died or something – but maybe he wasn’t lying this time. Not to be all jovial or anything, but it would be very nice to be somehow connected to Damon in some supernatural way. I mean…Damon’s middle name is supernatural. No, actually it’s Kaige, but still. Besides the point…I was already stacking books the next day.
In the next couple of weeks, Damon and I tried to literally ignore eachother. It was disgusting, but for the best. I spent most of my time bugging Holden and telling him what to do, while he spent his days at the library – leafing through books and books on souless people. I told him he wouldn’t find a thing in that library, but it was actually a pretty big library, so I was totally wrong. Because he’d found an upstairs – piled high with dirty off-white papers, dusty huge thick books with small little print, everything you could imagine in Spock’s personal library or something. No wait, not Spock…Einstein, possibly. If not Einstein, then it has to be Dracula or possibly Giles.
Josie and Holden had basically stopped being around eachother, and to be honest, it made it worse. Holden complained one night while watching I Love You, Beth Cooper that he felt awkward around his fiance. I told him to shut up and watch it, but I needed to tell him he was the most dumbest person in the world, and that he should just break up with Josie. But then I thought, hey, Josie and Holden aren’t even together. Hmm. So now, I have no idea what is going on besides the fact every time Jo is over she sleeps like there’s an arm around her. And when I was with Terrence, I remembered I felt his arm around me all the time, so I kind of got the drift that she either missed Holden or Aaron. I was aiming for Aaron.
Speaking of Aaron, he’s got problems of his own. His mother had cancer, and it breaks my mother’s heart because that’s how Aaron and I met – his mom and my mom were at this pregnancy yoga thing, and his mom went into labor there and her best friend, my mother, stood by her side. About a month later, my mommy went into labor at her house, so Aaron is like my big brother twice, maybe four times removed. He acts like he is, anyway. Moving on, my mother hadn’t been around the house for a while because she was always at work talking to schizophrenics or insane criminals. And if she wasn’t there, she was at the hospital. Which left Holden, Dad and I to find food on our own. Anyway, Mr. Bear and Aaron were holding up pretty well until they found it was leukemia.
So everyone was so busy. Busy busy busy us.
The super hot weather was rubbing off, and I was quite enjoying the brisk weather. The long, hot nights of rolling around the sheets and pulling them off but getting cold was over. I had my duvet covering me now, keeping me safe.
Even though I had dreams of Damon, I couldn’t bare to try and kiss him again. I couldn’t even bare to meet his eyes. And really, he couldn’t either, because when I did meet his gaze, he’d look away and pretend to be interested in To Kill A Mockingbird, and I knew he was acting.
To go on from the part where they wouldn’t tell me a thing, the whole “it’s your dad’s place to tell you”. It wasn’t just Damon acting, it was all of them. When I arrived at my house that holds my pillow in it, there was cake and Twinkies and ice cream and a “Happy Birthday, Our Fellow Eich!” banner, and right under that: “Welcome Back, Our Fellow Eich!” No, they actually said Zaylie, but it’s basically what the read, because I was called “Miss Eich” to everyone but my family and friends.
He created another tear to my heart, and even Damon had been standing there.
I was putting away some biographies – the ones that are clear in the back hidden behind the huge history textbooks. I could feel Damon’s eyes on me, and I was trying desperately to ignore them, but they just kept on staring, and finally I turned around to give him a piece of leftover cake.
“Alright, look, if you’re going to-” I stopped short, staring at him. His brown hair was soaked from the pouring rain outside, his leather jacket was dripping raindrops to the floor, landing with a plat. I bit my lip really hard, just waiting until those cold, grey eyes would stop looking at me.
“Hello Zaylie.”
“Get out.”
“Public library, hun.”
“Don’t call me that, strawberry.”
“Piss of, okay? I just came to apologize. That’s all.”
“Apologize? Again? For what? Killing my best friend’s baby? What could you possibly say that would make me want to just be alright, okay, I forgive you. Give me…six reasons, you little devil.”
Logan put up his hands in defense. “Getting a bit fiesty here, aren’t we? Christ.” He licked his lips. “I just want-”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Logan spun around, staring at Damon. Or, should I add, looked up at Damon.
“Apologizing.”
“Yeah, well, I can tell you God ain’t gonna forgive you.”
“I wasn’t aware you believed in such a thing.”
“He isn’t a thing, you dickhead.”
“I wasn’t aware dickhead and God should be in the same sentence. Bastard.”
“I’m the bastard?! You killed an unborn baby! You destroyed a relationship. Relationships, should I say.”
“No, I didn’t kill it. You should know that, Damon. You can sense those things, can’t you?”
I swear I tasted blood in my mouth from biting my lip. Damon had looked really, really mean just a second ago, now he looked dumbfounded.
“What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He raised his eyebrows. “I saw her.”
It made my heart race. The way Damon suddenly took a step back, swallowing, shaking his head. “You don’t…you don’t know anything…”
“You left her, didn’t you? Left her all alone.” Logan’s head shook. “How could you?”
Suddenly he was against the bookcase, and books were hitting the floor like rain. I felt scared. Really scared. Damon’s emotions shouldn’t be doing this…
“It wasn’t my decision!” Damon yelled, and for once, I knew he was crying. “I…I would’ve been there. I would’ve killed to be with her…”
“You did kill to be with her, didn’t you?”
“No.”
“Now, come on, Damon-” But before Logan could get anything else out, he was on the ground, pressed against the bookshelves, and Damon was gone.
I ignored the choking and gasping Logan and ran. I looked through all the columns, through all the spaces. I even looked in the children’s Dr. Suess wooden house, but he was no where to be seen. I ran out the door, tears now spilling down my own cheeks. I was really getting sick of crying all the time.
I spotted him sitting on the curb we’d sat on the night of Logan’s scene. I stopped running, heaving and gasping for breath. I was no athlete, that’s for sure. I fell in a heap beside him, laying down, still gasping for air. It wasn’t any help I had mint gum in my mouth.
Once I finally calmed down, I sat up, staring at him. “How’s he know?”
Damon was staring at the ground, zoned out. Completely. He wasn’t blinking, he wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t crying. He had no emotion in his eyes. It wasn’t until I wrapped my arm around his that he blinked, swallowed, and let the pieces of grass fall to the road.
“His dad’s part of the Council. One of the highest.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “The thing is…the Council knows nothing about me, because if they did…well, if they did, they’ll send me back.”
I felt my heart race. “Send you back to where?”
A chuckle made it’s way out of him. “Where ever the hell I came from.”
I lifted my head to stare at him. He stared at me back. “Heaven, you mean?”
He gave a little forced smile. “I hope.”
<><><><><><>
I forced Damon to let me into his apartment. Well, not forced, but made up an excuse to go in. “Mom says people shouldn’t be lonely in this kind of mood”. Ha, Mom says people need to be alone.
We sat on his couch. For a fake eighteen year old, he had money. From his dad, no doubt, but he was well equipped. No offense to my parents or anything, but I’d rather have this house and share it with neat-freak Damon than live with them in our two-story house with three bathrooms, five bedrooms. Damon only had one bedroom, a living room, a bathroom (which was spotless, no doubt), a kitchen (which was also spotless). I sat, my head on his shoulder, nearly falling asleep. He had his arm around my waist, and we were fighting with our hands – making warriors out of our pointer finger and the middle finger. So far, his was Superman and I was Lois Lane, and they were ready to get busy on his thigh when Lois fell.
“Damon, what are we doing?” I whispered.
“Lois was going to get banged, that’s what we were going to do.”
“Present.”
He sighed in my ear. “I don’t know. One moment we’re ignoring eachother, the next we’re accusing eachother of what we just ate. And by the way, that was a good slushie.”
“I’m serious.”
“And I am too. You’re my best friend, Zaybee. The last one I would want to loose. The first one Superman would choose to save. Then again, Lois got pregnant…”
I giggled, kicking his leg playfully. “No need to worry.”
“But why not worry? We already worry whether Aaron is actually Aaron or some type of alien thing.”
“Hey, that was a dream!”
“And whether or not Josie’s in love with Holden or not.”
I sat up, staring at him. “How do you know about that?”
His eyes widened. “You mean it’s true?”
I sighed, falling back into him. “Yes, it is. I caught them while you two were away having fun. Jo was sleeping over, Holden was across the hall, Holden and his fiance were fighting, Jo was having second thoughts…it was all mixed up and confusing.” I wasn’t about to tell him the part where I bawled two thirds of the night. “So now, whenever Jo sleeps over, she acts like Holden isn’t there while he’s staring at her. It gets awkward. I hate it.”
“Not awkward, disturbing. Does Aaron know?”
“No, he doesn’t. I keep wanting to tell him, but Jo and Holden would both slay me.”
“Slay you? So you’re some vampire now?”
“Might as well be. It’s all I feel like anymore.”
Suddenly he was laughing. Not really laughing, more like giggling. Not even giggling…just weird.
“D’you know vampires are real?”
I shot up, staring at him. “Liar.”
“No lie.”
“Who’s a vampire?!”
“Emilia? Emily? Yeah, her. She’s one but doesn’t know it.” He shrugged. “Who knew vampies could have kiddies?”
I laughed nervously. “So, what, are you going to tell me the dork with the long-johns is some type of goon?”
“Not exactly a goon. But he’s not normal.”
I fell on him again, yawning. “Yeah, well, no one is normal, now are they?”
He shook his head. “No one. They look like it from the outside but if you look into them…eek.”
I giggled. “Is JoJo anything?”
“Now she’s a goon.”
“Mhm.”
“Cereal. No joke.”
“You’re hilarious.”
“Explicit, you mean.” I looked up at him, grinning. “Obviously you meant explicit, right?”
I giggled even more, poking his stomach. “I haven’t heard that word in forever. ‘Obviously.’ Did it grow legs and go on a trip?”
“To the one and only Bahamas.” He cocked his head. “I wonder what it’s like there. I bet you it’s boring. Just like Russia. Russia and…and…South Korea. No, North Korea. No…Pakistan. Sand is boring.”
“Sand is pretty boring. I never like sandboxes.”
He laughed. “I hated sandboxes when I was younger. I hated the beach, too. I was an odd little kid who hated having sand stuck between your toes.”
“Oooh, I love that.”
“Well, you’re only like five miles from the Pacific, so you get it easy. Oh, oh, oh! Wyoming. That’s boring. Really boring. Ever read the story Stone Fox?”
“Nope, but I bet you have.”
“I haven’t, actually, but Aaron has. And Holden. We were having very weird conversations in the locker rooms the other day.”
“I imagine.” I wrapped my arm across his torso, nestling into him. I was very tired at around eight thirty at night. The sun had gone down a long time ago. “Goodnight.”
“Zaybee, you can’t sleep here.”
“Mhm.”
“I’m serious.”
“Okay.”
“Please, Zee…”
“Goodnight, my teddy.” He groaned, I grinned.
“Night.”
But then something shot inside me. Something really strong. I was wide awake, and I mean wide awake. And I guess he felt it too…this pinging sensation, because suddenly I was kissing him again – not gently, not violent, but rough. I was running my hands through his hair, like I’d been doing at the hospital. But nothing was there to stop us. It was just Damon Slade and me – kissing quite passionately. His hands all along my waist, my hips. Mine all along his hair and the pillows.
I don’t know what had gotten into us, and neither does he. But that night was better than the night he told me, and for reasons I don’t know. But the fact he was with me – the fact he was over me, messing around with my bra strap as I tried my best to be smarter than his belt.
And after we laid there, staring at eachother, wrapped up in sheets, knowing full well what we’d just did, knowing full well Damon Slade had just made love to me for the second time…I didn’t know why, but I wanted to cry. Cry because of his dad. Cry because he had no idea where he came from. Cry because of his girlfriend, which he still had yet to explain to me. Cry because of his family. The cold, hard truth of everything I’d ever known… The realization of what I knew. Because of what I knew, because of what I’d let get into my life…I could be murdered. Slaughtered, slayed.
But instead of crying, I’d rolled on top of him, and no space was between us once again.
Damon should’ve listened to his father. Damon shouldn’t have done that. Damon…
I heard the whispers in my head as I threw the sheets off of me, standing up abruptly. Damon, he’ll kill you. Kill you now.
I brushed the hair out of my face, pulling my boxers on. Fiddled with my belt. Threw my shirt on.
And turned around to stare at her. Stare at her feautures, at her body lying in my bed. I glanced slowly around the room. Her clothes were flung on the lampshade, on the dresser, the floor, the end of the bed…
I felt my muscles tense up, felt the headache coming. I really messed up this time. I really screwed around with everything.
I leaned over her, lightly brushing her hair out of her face. She made a face in her sleep, clutching tighter to the sheets. I leaned over, kissing her forehead. Long and hard, praying that she’ll be okay. That they won’t bother her. That they won’t even think of her.
This time, they wouldn’t think twice. This time they won’t hesitate. They won’t hesitate to slice my skin, prick me with needles.
This time they’ll kill me.
To Be Continued
He appeared out of no where, and literally no where. He just swiftly walked up to me, smiled, waited for my smile to come (which, in case you’re wondering, took nothing).
I just stood there, staring at him, my lips parted. I couldn’t tell if I was breathing – couldn’t tell if, by any chance, I was daydreaming and I was actually gawking at Fredrick. But when his fingers touched my skin…it was real. I knew he was real – all of him was real. His touch, his eyes, his smile… But there was something inside me, something that swallowed the touch. I couldn’t feel him. I couldn’t feel him touching me…
I took a step back, staring at him, tears welling up in my eyes. His smile faded, replaced by his concerned expression; where his eyebrows stitched together, where his eyes grew all concerned, where cocked his head a bit, and asked you if you were okay.
I swallowed, taking another step back, shaking my head, biting my lip. It was controlling me. I didn’t want to fall in his arms. I wanted to run. Run away from Damon. Run away from my family, my brother, Josie, Aaron… I wanted to run away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t run away…because my heart was still screaming at him. Even though my mind was telling me to run away from him, to run…my heart stood up and yelled at everyone, telling them that he’s Damon, that Damon was touching me, that Damon was here. But my mind refused to believe that, and I couldn’t understand why.
My brain was deaf. Soon I was turning away from him, turning away from Damon Slade and running. Running as fast as I could out of the library, out of the parking lot, down the sidewalks.
I didn’t think I could make it back to my house. I didn’t think at all – I couldn’t. It felt like there was this black ink that wouldn’t filter out of my brain – that wouldn’t let me go. Go where, I had no fucking clue. All I knew is that I could barely breathe – I was barely able to get my legs moving. It was like they were shutting down on me. It was like my entire body was failing me. I was gasping for breath as I tumbled down, down, down onto the ground. The pain that covered me didn’t scream, because for once…it didn’t exist. For once the pain didn’t exist, and I was quite alright with that. The memories…the story, the thunder, rain…the conversations, the bed, the need…the songs. The songs never existed. The songs that never…ever…
“Zaylie? Zaylie, answer me, please…”
The songs that wouldn’t get out of my head. The songs that kept telling me…kept willing me…
“…she just collapsed…”
The memories, the story. How the thunder had roared, keeping us quiet. How the hands had held me so tightly…so safely…
“Help her! Please…help…”
Everything, everyone…
“Why are her eyes still open then?! Fucking answer me!”
My conscience…was it ever real? Reality…was it ever fake? Was what I had ever been experiencing…was Josie real? Was Aaron? Holden? Damon? Mommy…help me…
“Her pulse is unsteady…”
Screamo music…abs…Logan…basketball…Holden and Josie…the puzzle never fits.
“Why is it screaming high?!”
Ten forty three. Six thirty six. Four forty four. Five fifty five. Seven eleven.
“Where have you been?!”
Would she hold me if she knew my shame…
“I…no, I’m not her…I’m not her boyfriend…”
I hear no screaming…
“Shut up and listen to me! Do you love her? Do you love her? Damon, answer me!”
They found me. They buried me. Buried me alive. Held me under…under the water…I couldn’t scream…couldn’t hold her…couldn’t scream to her…
“It’s a damn wonder her heart isn’t exploding!”
They crashed around me. They cut me, pulled needles out of me, in, out…they’re killing me…killing me with all they can…
“She’s seizing…”
Fate. Reality. Nothing is true. Nothing will be true.
“You’re not doing it right! Find her vein!”
I am not afraid to keep on living…
“I don’t know…”
I am not afraid to walk this world alone…
*~*
I whirled around to meet his gaze on me. He was more cute then I expected. Thick, brown hair messily placed in every direction. You could see his abs through his skin-tight grey Nirvana t-shirt. His black jeans were quite baggy, but not too baggy like Will Smith’s in Fresh Prince of Bel-air. His eyes were green, and they were smiling at me. At me…
“You can’t make me not see my daughter. I will see my daughter.”
“I’m sorry, sir – ”
My eyes felt really heavy like I just slept for a week. My legs were completely asleep. I took a deep, sighing breath, and slowly, my eyes opened. I looked around me, squirming on the bumpy mattress. Josie was all cuddled up with Aaron on the couch, my family was missing, and Damon was completely sprawled out on the recliner – just like he always slept. The night with Logan flashed through my mind.
I sat up, still looking around. I thought I heard my father’s voice, but he was no where to be seen. I looked over at the clock. 2:34 in the morning. I felt like yawning.
I swallowed – my throat was on fire. My mouth felt like cotton. I reached for the glass of water standing on the nightstand, but instead of gripping it, I pushed it. It tipped over – spilling it’s freezing liquid all over Damon.
I burst into quite a violent laughter as he shot up, the blanket still covering his shoulders. He stared, wide eyed at the soaked spot where he had once sat. Then he looked over at me – the giggling me. He broke into a smile, the shock falling from his eyes in liquid form. Was he crying?
Suddenly his arms were around me, holding me, hugging me. I wrapped my arms around him, too – making sure he couldn’t possibly move. Making sure neither of us would be going anywhere soon.
When our embrace ended, he took a couple steps back, his smile gone. “Do you remember anything?” It was like a movie on fast-forward – I could see everything, but it was all jumbled up and slurred and going to fast. I could remember him coming back, I could remember myself running away from him, I could remember everything…passing out, the voices, the oh-so realistic burial…
“Zaylie?”
“I do,” I whispered. I swallowed, meeting his gaze. “W-Why? Why did I run away from you? I mean…is it your dad? Is he the one who did that?”
“No…no, it wasn’t him. I promise you.” I took a deep breath. “Zaylie…I wasn’t kidnapped. I ran away the night before the flight. Dad was in Sacramento…I had to go see him. He thinks you and I…you and me have a connection. Like…I don’t know, but it wasn’t him. He told me I had a week to say goodbye to you or else he’d tell the entire Council. I can’t have that.”
I dropped my eyes to the bed. I’d been so happy for those first five, ten minutes. Now I felt like crap. Again.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going there? Did your phone run away or something?”
“Verizon doesn’t have legs, so no. Zaybee…I couldn’t. It hurt me too much because of the fact I was going to see my father. You wouldn’t have let me go anyway.”
“No, I wouldn’t have. Why? Because your father is a fucking dinosaur, Damon! He thinks he can just…just control you! How could you let him do this to you?”
“Zaylie…”
“Don’t Zaylie me. You told me…you told me you were figuring a way to stop this. To stop this so you can go back to however you want to. I’m here supporting you, Damon…supporting you more than you know. And I-”
“What do you mean…supporting me better than I know? What don’t I know?”
“Well, Mr. Obviously, if it hadn’t blown off your mind already, the night you told me.” His eyes widened, his lips parting. “Yeah, uh-huh. Suck that lollipop!”
He shook his head, blinking. “You think I’d forget that night?”
“It’s what it sure looks like! You’ve not mentioned it once, we’re not acting upon it, we’re not, maybe, perhaps, talking it over?”
“What is there to talk about!? From the way you were acting, all you really needed was just a tint more than a hug.”
“A tint? A tint?! You were like…all over me!”
“If that’s so, why didn’t you push me off?!” I hadn’t noticed I was standing, staring up at him. I ended at the middle of his chest, so he was basically towering over me. It’s not that I was a puny little thing either – he was a very tall man. A foolish tall man at that, because suddenly his hand was trailing up my arm, gently. I swallowed, closing my eyes. The smoothness of this little gesture of his…well, obviously it wasn’t nothing like I’ve experienced because I’d experienced a lot more than just a hand with him, but still. It reminded me of rainbows in a way. No ponies, just rainbows. A few clouds here and there. Rainbows, raindrops, and the faint aroma of Chocolate Axe all in one. The taste and smell of blueberry. The feeling around my waist, what I was feeling with my hands…
We both shot back, suddenly scared shitless of eachother it seemed. I was breathing quite heavily – too heavily in my opinion. I could still feel my hands going through his hair…
“Possibly not a tint…” he murmured.
“No shit! Geez, what’d you eat, a slushie?!”
“Exactly that, thank you! You tasted…smelled…” He took a deep breath. “Okay, well…you… I’m going to drop that and say…”
“I’m just too explicit for words, love,” I grinned. He rolled his eyes with a smile on his face as I crawled back into the hospital bed.
We heard a few turns and looked over at Josie and Aaron. Josie sat up, Aaron’s arm falling to his side. She squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them, staring at the two of us. When she processed something that was deep inside her, her face lit up, looking alive once again.
“You’re awake!” She squealed, getting up and kicking her boyfriend in the process. She flung her arms around me, holding me.
“Yeah, uh-huh, I’m wide awake.” I met Damon’s eyes, who, instead of blushing like normal average teens, stuck his tounge out at me. So I was the one suddenly blushing.
Josie let go of me, grinning. She turned. “Aaron, wake up! Zaylie’s awake!”
“It’s not like I was in a coma,” I murmured. Only Damon responded.
“Zaylie…” He bit his lip. I couldn’t tell if he was acting or not. Whether what he was about to tell me was actually true or not.
Josie sat on the bed, taking my hand and giving it a light squeeze. “Girly…it’s…complicated.”
I ignored them both, getting anxious. I looked at Aaron, who was biting his lip also. I glared at them all. “I was not in a coma. I was just unconcious for a few hours. That’s all.”
Josie nodded quickly. “Yeah, you weren’t in a coma. But Zaylie…I don’t think it’s my place to tell you. I mean…I think…I think Aaron should tell you.”
I looked over at Aaron, who took a deep breath, glaring at Josie, then looked at me with innocent eyes. “It’s Damon’s fault. Damon should tell you.”
It was like a game with them. Damon glared at Aaron. “You wish it was my fault! I’m not telling her spit.”
I clenched my fists. “Fuck sake, tell me!”
“You’re dad should tell you.” We all stared at Damon. “It’s his place. Not ours.” There was something in his voice, but I couldn’t tell what it was. I would’ve said it was nervousness, but it was something else. Something familiar, but yet something I’ve never heard before.
Around one thirty – almost twelve hours later – I was walking home with Josie. She was going on and on about how her sister was clumsy or lazy or something, and I was thinking on and on and on about Damon kissing me. About how I’d been running my hands through his hair, breathing in his scent like he was the first one in the gas chambers. I couldn’t help but think…what if his dad was right? What if we did have a connection? I knew not to believe his dad – even if he told me Damon died or something – but maybe he wasn’t lying this time. Not to be all jovial or anything, but it would be very nice to be somehow connected to Damon in some supernatural way. I mean…Damon’s middle name is supernatural. No, actually it’s Kaige, but still. Besides the point…I was already stacking books the next day.
In the next couple of weeks, Damon and I tried to literally ignore eachother. It was disgusting, but for the best. I spent most of my time bugging Holden and telling him what to do, while he spent his days at the library – leafing through books and books on souless people. I told him he wouldn’t find a thing in that library, but it was actually a pretty big library, so I was totally wrong. Because he’d found an upstairs – piled high with dirty off-white papers, dusty huge thick books with small little print, everything you could imagine in Spock’s personal library or something. No wait, not Spock…Einstein, possibly. If not Einstein, then it has to be Dracula or possibly Giles.
Josie and Holden had basically stopped being around eachother, and to be honest, it made it worse. Holden complained one night while watching I Love You, Beth Cooper that he felt awkward around his fiance. I told him to shut up and watch it, but I needed to tell him he was the most dumbest person in the world, and that he should just break up with Josie. But then I thought, hey, Josie and Holden aren’t even together. Hmm. So now, I have no idea what is going on besides the fact every time Jo is over she sleeps like there’s an arm around her. And when I was with Terrence, I remembered I felt his arm around me all the time, so I kind of got the drift that she either missed Holden or Aaron. I was aiming for Aaron.
Speaking of Aaron, he’s got problems of his own. His mother had cancer, and it breaks my mother’s heart because that’s how Aaron and I met – his mom and my mom were at this pregnancy yoga thing, and his mom went into labor there and her best friend, my mother, stood by her side. About a month later, my mommy went into labor at her house, so Aaron is like my big brother twice, maybe four times removed. He acts like he is, anyway. Moving on, my mother hadn’t been around the house for a while because she was always at work talking to schizophrenics or insane criminals. And if she wasn’t there, she was at the hospital. Which left Holden, Dad and I to find food on our own. Anyway, Mr. Bear and Aaron were holding up pretty well until they found it was leukemia.
So everyone was so busy. Busy busy busy us.
The super hot weather was rubbing off, and I was quite enjoying the brisk weather. The long, hot nights of rolling around the sheets and pulling them off but getting cold was over. I had my duvet covering me now, keeping me safe.
Even though I had dreams of Damon, I couldn’t bare to try and kiss him again. I couldn’t even bare to meet his eyes. And really, he couldn’t either, because when I did meet his gaze, he’d look away and pretend to be interested in To Kill A Mockingbird, and I knew he was acting.
To go on from the part where they wouldn’t tell me a thing, the whole “it’s your dad’s place to tell you”. It wasn’t just Damon acting, it was all of them. When I arrived at my house that holds my pillow in it, there was cake and Twinkies and ice cream and a “Happy Birthday, Our Fellow Eich!” banner, and right under that: “Welcome Back, Our Fellow Eich!” No, they actually said Zaylie, but it’s basically what the read, because I was called “Miss Eich” to everyone but my family and friends.
He created another tear to my heart, and even Damon had been standing there.
I was putting away some biographies – the ones that are clear in the back hidden behind the huge history textbooks. I could feel Damon’s eyes on me, and I was trying desperately to ignore them, but they just kept on staring, and finally I turned around to give him a piece of leftover cake.
“Alright, look, if you’re going to-” I stopped short, staring at him. His brown hair was soaked from the pouring rain outside, his leather jacket was dripping raindrops to the floor, landing with a plat. I bit my lip really hard, just waiting until those cold, grey eyes would stop looking at me.
“Hello Zaylie.”
“Get out.”
“Public library, hun.”
“Don’t call me that, strawberry.”
“Piss of, okay? I just came to apologize. That’s all.”
“Apologize? Again? For what? Killing my best friend’s baby? What could you possibly say that would make me want to just be alright, okay, I forgive you. Give me…six reasons, you little devil.”
Logan put up his hands in defense. “Getting a bit fiesty here, aren’t we? Christ.” He licked his lips. “I just want-”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Logan spun around, staring at Damon. Or, should I add, looked up at Damon.
“Apologizing.”
“Yeah, well, I can tell you God ain’t gonna forgive you.”
“I wasn’t aware you believed in such a thing.”
“He isn’t a thing, you dickhead.”
“I wasn’t aware dickhead and God should be in the same sentence. Bastard.”
“I’m the bastard?! You killed an unborn baby! You destroyed a relationship. Relationships, should I say.”
“No, I didn’t kill it. You should know that, Damon. You can sense those things, can’t you?”
I swear I tasted blood in my mouth from biting my lip. Damon had looked really, really mean just a second ago, now he looked dumbfounded.
“What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He raised his eyebrows. “I saw her.”
It made my heart race. The way Damon suddenly took a step back, swallowing, shaking his head. “You don’t…you don’t know anything…”
“You left her, didn’t you? Left her all alone.” Logan’s head shook. “How could you?”
Suddenly he was against the bookcase, and books were hitting the floor like rain. I felt scared. Really scared. Damon’s emotions shouldn’t be doing this…
“It wasn’t my decision!” Damon yelled, and for once, I knew he was crying. “I…I would’ve been there. I would’ve killed to be with her…”
“You did kill to be with her, didn’t you?”
“No.”
“Now, come on, Damon-” But before Logan could get anything else out, he was on the ground, pressed against the bookshelves, and Damon was gone.
I ignored the choking and gasping Logan and ran. I looked through all the columns, through all the spaces. I even looked in the children’s Dr. Suess wooden house, but he was no where to be seen. I ran out the door, tears now spilling down my own cheeks. I was really getting sick of crying all the time.
I spotted him sitting on the curb we’d sat on the night of Logan’s scene. I stopped running, heaving and gasping for breath. I was no athlete, that’s for sure. I fell in a heap beside him, laying down, still gasping for air. It wasn’t any help I had mint gum in my mouth.
Once I finally calmed down, I sat up, staring at him. “How’s he know?”
Damon was staring at the ground, zoned out. Completely. He wasn’t blinking, he wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t crying. He had no emotion in his eyes. It wasn’t until I wrapped my arm around his that he blinked, swallowed, and let the pieces of grass fall to the road.
“His dad’s part of the Council. One of the highest.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “The thing is…the Council knows nothing about me, because if they did…well, if they did, they’ll send me back.”
I felt my heart race. “Send you back to where?”
A chuckle made it’s way out of him. “Where ever the hell I came from.”
I lifted my head to stare at him. He stared at me back. “Heaven, you mean?”
He gave a little forced smile. “I hope.”
<><><><><><>
I forced Damon to let me into his apartment. Well, not forced, but made up an excuse to go in. “Mom says people shouldn’t be lonely in this kind of mood”. Ha, Mom says people need to be alone.
We sat on his couch. For a fake eighteen year old, he had money. From his dad, no doubt, but he was well equipped. No offense to my parents or anything, but I’d rather have this house and share it with neat-freak Damon than live with them in our two-story house with three bathrooms, five bedrooms. Damon only had one bedroom, a living room, a bathroom (which was spotless, no doubt), a kitchen (which was also spotless). I sat, my head on his shoulder, nearly falling asleep. He had his arm around my waist, and we were fighting with our hands – making warriors out of our pointer finger and the middle finger. So far, his was Superman and I was Lois Lane, and they were ready to get busy on his thigh when Lois fell.
“Damon, what are we doing?” I whispered.
“Lois was going to get banged, that’s what we were going to do.”
“Present.”
He sighed in my ear. “I don’t know. One moment we’re ignoring eachother, the next we’re accusing eachother of what we just ate. And by the way, that was a good slushie.”
“I’m serious.”
“And I am too. You’re my best friend, Zaybee. The last one I would want to loose. The first one Superman would choose to save. Then again, Lois got pregnant…”
I giggled, kicking his leg playfully. “No need to worry.”
“But why not worry? We already worry whether Aaron is actually Aaron or some type of alien thing.”
“Hey, that was a dream!”
“And whether or not Josie’s in love with Holden or not.”
I sat up, staring at him. “How do you know about that?”
His eyes widened. “You mean it’s true?”
I sighed, falling back into him. “Yes, it is. I caught them while you two were away having fun. Jo was sleeping over, Holden was across the hall, Holden and his fiance were fighting, Jo was having second thoughts…it was all mixed up and confusing.” I wasn’t about to tell him the part where I bawled two thirds of the night. “So now, whenever Jo sleeps over, she acts like Holden isn’t there while he’s staring at her. It gets awkward. I hate it.”
“Not awkward, disturbing. Does Aaron know?”
“No, he doesn’t. I keep wanting to tell him, but Jo and Holden would both slay me.”
“Slay you? So you’re some vampire now?”
“Might as well be. It’s all I feel like anymore.”
Suddenly he was laughing. Not really laughing, more like giggling. Not even giggling…just weird.
“D’you know vampires are real?”
I shot up, staring at him. “Liar.”
“No lie.”
“Who’s a vampire?!”
“Emilia? Emily? Yeah, her. She’s one but doesn’t know it.” He shrugged. “Who knew vampies could have kiddies?”
I laughed nervously. “So, what, are you going to tell me the dork with the long-johns is some type of goon?”
“Not exactly a goon. But he’s not normal.”
I fell on him again, yawning. “Yeah, well, no one is normal, now are they?”
He shook his head. “No one. They look like it from the outside but if you look into them…eek.”
I giggled. “Is JoJo anything?”
“Now she’s a goon.”
“Mhm.”
“Cereal. No joke.”
“You’re hilarious.”
“Explicit, you mean.” I looked up at him, grinning. “Obviously you meant explicit, right?”
I giggled even more, poking his stomach. “I haven’t heard that word in forever. ‘Obviously.’ Did it grow legs and go on a trip?”
“To the one and only Bahamas.” He cocked his head. “I wonder what it’s like there. I bet you it’s boring. Just like Russia. Russia and…and…South Korea. No, North Korea. No…Pakistan. Sand is boring.”
“Sand is pretty boring. I never like sandboxes.”
He laughed. “I hated sandboxes when I was younger. I hated the beach, too. I was an odd little kid who hated having sand stuck between your toes.”
“Oooh, I love that.”
“Well, you’re only like five miles from the Pacific, so you get it easy. Oh, oh, oh! Wyoming. That’s boring. Really boring. Ever read the story Stone Fox?”
“Nope, but I bet you have.”
“I haven’t, actually, but Aaron has. And Holden. We were having very weird conversations in the locker rooms the other day.”
“I imagine.” I wrapped my arm across his torso, nestling into him. I was very tired at around eight thirty at night. The sun had gone down a long time ago. “Goodnight.”
“Zaybee, you can’t sleep here.”
“Mhm.”
“I’m serious.”
“Okay.”
“Please, Zee…”
“Goodnight, my teddy.” He groaned, I grinned.
“Night.”
But then something shot inside me. Something really strong. I was wide awake, and I mean wide awake. And I guess he felt it too…this pinging sensation, because suddenly I was kissing him again – not gently, not violent, but rough. I was running my hands through his hair, like I’d been doing at the hospital. But nothing was there to stop us. It was just Damon Slade and me – kissing quite passionately. His hands all along my waist, my hips. Mine all along his hair and the pillows.
I don’t know what had gotten into us, and neither does he. But that night was better than the night he told me, and for reasons I don’t know. But the fact he was with me – the fact he was over me, messing around with my bra strap as I tried my best to be smarter than his belt.
And after we laid there, staring at eachother, wrapped up in sheets, knowing full well what we’d just did, knowing full well Damon Slade had just made love to me for the second time…I didn’t know why, but I wanted to cry. Cry because of his dad. Cry because he had no idea where he came from. Cry because of his girlfriend, which he still had yet to explain to me. Cry because of his family. The cold, hard truth of everything I’d ever known… The realization of what I knew. Because of what I knew, because of what I’d let get into my life…I could be murdered. Slaughtered, slayed.
But instead of crying, I’d rolled on top of him, and no space was between us once again.
Damon should’ve listened to his father. Damon shouldn’t have done that. Damon…
I heard the whispers in my head as I threw the sheets off of me, standing up abruptly. Damon, he’ll kill you. Kill you now.
I brushed the hair out of my face, pulling my boxers on. Fiddled with my belt. Threw my shirt on.
And turned around to stare at her. Stare at her feautures, at her body lying in my bed. I glanced slowly around the room. Her clothes were flung on the lampshade, on the dresser, the floor, the end of the bed…
I felt my muscles tense up, felt the headache coming. I really messed up this time. I really screwed around with everything.
I leaned over her, lightly brushing her hair out of her face. She made a face in her sleep, clutching tighter to the sheets. I leaned over, kissing her forehead. Long and hard, praying that she’ll be okay. That they won’t bother her. That they won’t even think of her.
This time, they wouldn’t think twice. This time they won’t hesitate. They won’t hesitate to slice my skin, prick me with needles.
This time they’ll kill me.
To Be Continued
