Chapter Nine
I laid, flat on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, swallowing back the lump in my throat, swallowing back the vomit, the blood. I believed it, yet I didn’t want to. I knew this was going to happen. It always does, always will. That’s what I got for wanting a guy like him. That’s what happens when you let your heart win…but this was different, because as far as I knew, he didn’t even have a soul, so.
I lifted my hand, staring at the white line paper. Staring at his writing. Reading it for the upteenth time, rereading, reading…
My body was shaking, but I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it anyway. I was cold – his room was now freezing. I couldn’t get up to answer the ringing phone. I couldn’t move enough to, perhaps, text him. Even if I did try to text him, he wouldn’t reply, because I saw his blue phone sitting on the spotless counter. He didn’t want to talk to me. I wouldn’t want to talk to me, either, if I was going to kill myself. But was he killing himself? It’s exactly like those stupid Twilight books…though his name is Damon and he doesn’t suck blood out of my neck.
It took me a while to realize I’d made my decision. He wasn’t killing himself. He was turning himself in. I wanted to know why he could sleep with me the first time and not now. I wanted to know why he couldn’t tell me. I wanted to know why it was so hard to just not listen to those Germans. I wanted to know…fucking everything. I wanted, needed Damon to tell me everything over again. Relapse. Tell me why he doesn’t have a heartbeat. Tell me why I should even look at Logan again.
It was all in my hands. The answers. The letters all written down, the words written, scribbled, twirled. Damon’s handwriting sitting right in front of me. Proof that he’d been real, that reality hadn’t just been screwing with me again.
I gasped as another sob worked it’s way out of me. I reread the message, taking deep, gasping breaths.
Really, really sorry. Gotta go. Shouldn’t have done that..I’m
sorry. Gonna kill me now. Wish I could be the one you wake
up to. Really do. You can trust Logan. Promise. I promise.
Tell Aaron & Josie cant keep lying to them. I’ll think about
you always. They’re gonna kill me now Zaylie but know that
whatever you do I’ll be holdin your spinbe up like you did with
me. I love you Zaylie Chasity Eich and I always will.
Damon
I felt like he knew what I wanted him to tell me. I felt like he knew exactly what would get to me, and he was right. That stupid bastard.
I rolled off of the bed, choking on the tears. I took the pen he’d once wrote, shoved the paper in my pocket, slid a random jacket that was on the bed, and stormed out of the apartment.
While still sobbing, I ignored my family eating dinner and slammed my bedroom door shut. I dug the diary I’d been keeping hold of for years out from my sock drawer, pulled out the pen, and started writing furiously, sobbing and ignoring Holden’s remarks.
Damon,
I loved you. More than you know, more than
even Josie knows. I’ve loved you since I first met
you. The night you told me everything…even after
you actually did tell me everything I loved you.
Nothing will stop me, Damon, and you know why?
Because you’re everything to me. Everything.
There isn’t a were in there because I know you’re
going to come back with a smile on your face, and
maybe I’ll run again…but I want you to know that
that’s not me. You should know it’s not me,
because I love you and I can’t stop. I tried, but
nothing is working. When you come back I’ll
probably fall in your arms like I always do, fall in
and I won’t go away this time. I can’t go away
this time. And the next time, I’m staying awake.
Next time you’re not going out of my sight. I’m
terrified of loosing you, Damon, and I know I’ve
not lost you yet. I know you’re still there. I know
you’re probably on your way home. I know you are
because I know you. I know you up and down, I know
all about your daddy, I know you don’t have AIDS,
I know you’re coming home to me. I know you didn’t
leave me for good. I-
And I stopped, because I heard Josie and Aaron’s voice from the hallway. The two people I needed most. I put the pen and the journal down, open the door, and fell on them.
<<>><<>><<>>
“Just…just like that?” Josie whispered, biting her lip as her own tears washed away her mascara.
I nodded. “Just like that,” I repeated.
Aaron took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “Okay…let me get this straight. Damon…is dead?” I felt my heart slow. “Okay, okay, wait, not dead…sorry…um…solid ghost-like…person?”
I swallowed. “No. You were right the first time. Damon is dead. Undead. Whatever.”
He nodded. “Okay…so then…why does he get the headaches?”
“His dad.” I swallowed. “His dad thinks Damon is some walking living science experiment. I…I’m not sure what exactly creates the headaches, but it’s like…his dad knows everything he does, thinks. But he doesn’t know what he does…” I took a deep breath, feeling slightly dizzy. “Physically.”
Josie was nodding. “So he could like…murder someone, and if he isn’t thinking about it, then…no one will know.” I nodded slowly, staring at my floor.
“I know you’ll strangle me for this, but Zee…I feel like there’s something you’re not telling us.” I stared at Aaron, swallowing back the vomit and blood that threatened my throat.
“I’m telling you everything I know,” I whispered. Besides the fact you knew him inside and out without clothing.
“You sure, girly?” Josie asked, swiping a strand of my hair back from my face.
“Yeah. That’s everything.” I looked at the clock. “Took two and a half hours.” Took him three and a half.
“I’m…I’m going to be honest, Zaylie.” Aaron took a deep breath. “I didn’t like Damon at first because he…he kinda reminded me of Terrence. The way he made you happy for reasons I didn’t know. But then I figured it out.” He was staring off into space, rolling the pen in his hands. “He is, overall, a very happy guy. And I still can’t figure out what the hell made him so happy…after all he went through, after all he can actually remember, he still made us laugh and he still laughed too.”
I went to school on Monday. Art, Math…they were the hardest to get over with. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t think.
Finally, during study hall, Josie noticed.
She sat down beside me, pulled out a sheet of paper, and wrote.
Are you okay, girly?
Wish I was
I wish he never left either Zaylie but I have a feeling it’s for the best.
I hope it is
No, no hoping. It is. I promise you.
Josie you know ive wanted him for a while. I got him,
he leaves. Just like all the rest of them.
what do you mean you got him???? Omg did you guys..????
twice not including the second time the night he left.
With just my luck, Aaron walked over, plopped his books down, and stole the paper from his girlfriend. My face grew red as his eyes widened as he stared down at the last line. He stole Jo’s pen.
dude you and damon?? Why didn’t you tell
me!?!!?!?! that’sawesome, Zee!
awesome isnt a good word for it I do believe.
no It is! i have always known damon kinda
liked you he put some action into his feelings.
I like that.
Im happy for ya hun I really am but damon and zaylie sleeping together
Isnt the most important thing right now
My eyes widened. I hadn’t even thought about that… What if the main reason he left was because he slept with me? What if it was the most important thing?
gotta go
I gathered up my stuff and ran out of the school library. I walked quickly into the restrooms, sat on the toilet, and held my head in my hands. I could feel the note in my pocket, with his name on it – with the proof that he was once here, that he was once actually here and holding me. And I had a deep, dark feeling inside me I had other proof he once had warm liquid rushing through him.
I took a really, really deep breath as I clutchd his doorknob. As I opened the door, my heart pounding, I could feel his breath on my neck. Could smell the bluberries. My new favorite scent.
As the door opened, I closed my eyes, took a step in, shut the door. I turned back again, opened them.
The room was empty. The floor was wood, no carpet in the living room. All that remained was the coffee table, which consisted of one thing – a slip of paper. I walked swiftly into the kitchen, where all I found were the spotless counters. I opened the fridge. It wasn’t even on. I turned on my heels and charged into the bedroom. The bed was stripped of everything but sheets. The dresser was gone. The night stand, the lampshade…everything but what made my head spin.
I slowly edged toward the end of the bed. I retrieved the book, feeling the vaugely familiar leather cover. I opened the book directly to the page, where a note slid out and fell to the floor. I looked at the caption – reading it, over and over again. Just like last time.
It was a newspaper article stuffed inside Romeo & Juliet. The book Damon had called annoying, but wouldn’t explain why. Now I knew why.
The caption seemed to become three dimensional as I read it again and again, the words repeating in my mind.
Damon Slade and Marcie Anderson were found dead on December
25th, 1943. The Slade family were found dead the following night –
Suicide. Suicide. Suicde. It whispered in my head, telling me the truth. Tying to tell me what happened.
I dropped the book to the floor, running out to the living room. I picked up the note from the coffee table. No, fucking, way.
Zaylie,
I told you I’d tell you everything one day.
Here is that day. I didn’t know until
I found the book up in the attic of the
library. Zaybee, I need you to do
something for me. Go to her. Tell
her. She’ll help you, I promise. She and
Logan will both help you. I promise. I’m
doing a lot of promising, I know, but those
promises aren’t false. Not to scare you
but im writing this as they’re talking on
and on about how to kill me and such. It’s
boring here. You see, my blueberry, I’ve
messed up. Big time. In a couple of
months you’ll find that mistake out. To
us it’s no mistake at all really. But to the
rest of them it means something failed. I
have a feeling Daddy’s not too proud of me,
but I could really care fucking less. anyways
I sorry I left. Like, really, I am. I could’ve
just woken you up but something about that
didn’t seem right. Waking you up after
that to say goodbye just isn’t right and we
both know it. I’m guessing you’ve already
told J&A, so I’m not gonna get into that.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering why one
of the Council’s highest son is good to
trust is cause Logan knows full well what
will happen if he ever told a living soul
other than the ones that already know.
Alright, my hand is getting cramped up
And their waiting impaitently anyways, so
I’ma let you get back to reading. I love you
So much Zaylie. Nothing will change that.
Damon
I wasn’t crying anymore. I actually hadn’t been crying since he called me blueberry, but still. He wasn’t helping me by calling me that.
I’d know in two months. What did he mean? What failed?
I felt someone behind me. I could smell the chocolate Axe.
I whirled around facing him. He wasn’t actually there – I completely understood that. It’s what he was saying that made me confused.
“Do what she says, Zaylie. She knows best at this point. You’ll be kind of worried, but don’t be. She’s safe. She’ll keep you all safe. I promise you that.” A smile grew on his face. “Again with the promising.” He took a deep breath. “I’m coming back to you, Zaybee. I’m making sure of that. Just….just be paitent. But go with her. Wherever you are, I’ll find you.” He swallowed, his eyes lowering to somewhere. “That Friday night was the best time of my life. You’ll have to be balancing the pros and cons shortly, but in the end it’ll turn out amazingly.” He met my eyes again. “Obviously.” He shuffled his feet. “Oh, and I left something under the floorboard you fell on that Friday night. So check that.” He gazed around the room. “They made sure I don’t exist anymore, didn’t they?”
I swallowed back the lumped in my throat. “Yeah. They did.” I took a few steps toward him, knowing the lump had already won. “Why are they doing this to you, Damon? You didn’t do anything.”
He sighed. “It’s…it’s actually like the show you always watch. I completely forget it’s name, but…it’s just like that. A cold case.” He cocked his head. “That’s what’s it’s called, isn’t it? Cold Case? The one with Danny Pino?” I laughed, nodding. “Yeah, well, it’s like that. Unsolved.” He rolled his eyes. “To be honest, I bet if you and me teamed up, we could’ve cracked it in no time. But…it’s not how it works, obviously.”
I took his solid hands, not caring how streakingly hot they were. “I’ll miss you.”
He smiled – the same, solid, cocky smile. “I’ll miss you too.”
I took a deep, shaky breath as I stood on my tip toes and kissed him. Not as rough as Friday, not as gentle as the hospital.
And just as oddly as he came, he went. Poof. Just like that. Always like that.
To Be Continued
I laid, flat on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, swallowing back the lump in my throat, swallowing back the vomit, the blood. I believed it, yet I didn’t want to. I knew this was going to happen. It always does, always will. That’s what I got for wanting a guy like him. That’s what happens when you let your heart win…but this was different, because as far as I knew, he didn’t even have a soul, so.
I lifted my hand, staring at the white line paper. Staring at his writing. Reading it for the upteenth time, rereading, reading…
My body was shaking, but I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it anyway. I was cold – his room was now freezing. I couldn’t get up to answer the ringing phone. I couldn’t move enough to, perhaps, text him. Even if I did try to text him, he wouldn’t reply, because I saw his blue phone sitting on the spotless counter. He didn’t want to talk to me. I wouldn’t want to talk to me, either, if I was going to kill myself. But was he killing himself? It’s exactly like those stupid Twilight books…though his name is Damon and he doesn’t suck blood out of my neck.
It took me a while to realize I’d made my decision. He wasn’t killing himself. He was turning himself in. I wanted to know why he could sleep with me the first time and not now. I wanted to know why he couldn’t tell me. I wanted to know why it was so hard to just not listen to those Germans. I wanted to know…fucking everything. I wanted, needed Damon to tell me everything over again. Relapse. Tell me why he doesn’t have a heartbeat. Tell me why I should even look at Logan again.
It was all in my hands. The answers. The letters all written down, the words written, scribbled, twirled. Damon’s handwriting sitting right in front of me. Proof that he’d been real, that reality hadn’t just been screwing with me again.
I gasped as another sob worked it’s way out of me. I reread the message, taking deep, gasping breaths.
Really, really sorry. Gotta go. Shouldn’t have done that..I’m
sorry. Gonna kill me now. Wish I could be the one you wake
up to. Really do. You can trust Logan. Promise. I promise.
Tell Aaron & Josie cant keep lying to them. I’ll think about
you always. They’re gonna kill me now Zaylie but know that
whatever you do I’ll be holdin your spinbe up like you did with
me. I love you Zaylie Chasity Eich and I always will.
Damon
I felt like he knew what I wanted him to tell me. I felt like he knew exactly what would get to me, and he was right. That stupid bastard.
I rolled off of the bed, choking on the tears. I took the pen he’d once wrote, shoved the paper in my pocket, slid a random jacket that was on the bed, and stormed out of the apartment.
While still sobbing, I ignored my family eating dinner and slammed my bedroom door shut. I dug the diary I’d been keeping hold of for years out from my sock drawer, pulled out the pen, and started writing furiously, sobbing and ignoring Holden’s remarks.
Damon,
I loved you. More than you know, more than
even Josie knows. I’ve loved you since I first met
you. The night you told me everything…even after
you actually did tell me everything I loved you.
Nothing will stop me, Damon, and you know why?
Because you’re everything to me. Everything.
There isn’t a were in there because I know you’re
going to come back with a smile on your face, and
maybe I’ll run again…but I want you to know that
that’s not me. You should know it’s not me,
because I love you and I can’t stop. I tried, but
nothing is working. When you come back I’ll
probably fall in your arms like I always do, fall in
and I won’t go away this time. I can’t go away
this time. And the next time, I’m staying awake.
Next time you’re not going out of my sight. I’m
terrified of loosing you, Damon, and I know I’ve
not lost you yet. I know you’re still there. I know
you’re probably on your way home. I know you are
because I know you. I know you up and down, I know
all about your daddy, I know you don’t have AIDS,
I know you’re coming home to me. I know you didn’t
leave me for good. I-
And I stopped, because I heard Josie and Aaron’s voice from the hallway. The two people I needed most. I put the pen and the journal down, open the door, and fell on them.
<<>><<>><<>>
“Just…just like that?” Josie whispered, biting her lip as her own tears washed away her mascara.
I nodded. “Just like that,” I repeated.
Aaron took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “Okay…let me get this straight. Damon…is dead?” I felt my heart slow. “Okay, okay, wait, not dead…sorry…um…solid ghost-like…person?”
I swallowed. “No. You were right the first time. Damon is dead. Undead. Whatever.”
He nodded. “Okay…so then…why does he get the headaches?”
“His dad.” I swallowed. “His dad thinks Damon is some walking living science experiment. I…I’m not sure what exactly creates the headaches, but it’s like…his dad knows everything he does, thinks. But he doesn’t know what he does…” I took a deep breath, feeling slightly dizzy. “Physically.”
Josie was nodding. “So he could like…murder someone, and if he isn’t thinking about it, then…no one will know.” I nodded slowly, staring at my floor.
“I know you’ll strangle me for this, but Zee…I feel like there’s something you’re not telling us.” I stared at Aaron, swallowing back the vomit and blood that threatened my throat.
“I’m telling you everything I know,” I whispered. Besides the fact you knew him inside and out without clothing.
“You sure, girly?” Josie asked, swiping a strand of my hair back from my face.
“Yeah. That’s everything.” I looked at the clock. “Took two and a half hours.” Took him three and a half.
“I’m…I’m going to be honest, Zaylie.” Aaron took a deep breath. “I didn’t like Damon at first because he…he kinda reminded me of Terrence. The way he made you happy for reasons I didn’t know. But then I figured it out.” He was staring off into space, rolling the pen in his hands. “He is, overall, a very happy guy. And I still can’t figure out what the hell made him so happy…after all he went through, after all he can actually remember, he still made us laugh and he still laughed too.”
I went to school on Monday. Art, Math…they were the hardest to get over with. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t think.
Finally, during study hall, Josie noticed.
She sat down beside me, pulled out a sheet of paper, and wrote.
Are you okay, girly?
Wish I was
I wish he never left either Zaylie but I have a feeling it’s for the best.
I hope it is
No, no hoping. It is. I promise you.
Josie you know ive wanted him for a while. I got him,
he leaves. Just like all the rest of them.
what do you mean you got him???? Omg did you guys..????
twice not including the second time the night he left.
With just my luck, Aaron walked over, plopped his books down, and stole the paper from his girlfriend. My face grew red as his eyes widened as he stared down at the last line. He stole Jo’s pen.
dude you and damon?? Why didn’t you tell
me!?!!?!?! that’sawesome, Zee!
awesome isnt a good word for it I do believe.
no It is! i have always known damon kinda
liked you he put some action into his feelings.
I like that.
Im happy for ya hun I really am but damon and zaylie sleeping together
Isnt the most important thing right now
My eyes widened. I hadn’t even thought about that… What if the main reason he left was because he slept with me? What if it was the most important thing?
gotta go
I gathered up my stuff and ran out of the school library. I walked quickly into the restrooms, sat on the toilet, and held my head in my hands. I could feel the note in my pocket, with his name on it – with the proof that he was once here, that he was once actually here and holding me. And I had a deep, dark feeling inside me I had other proof he once had warm liquid rushing through him.
I took a really, really deep breath as I clutchd his doorknob. As I opened the door, my heart pounding, I could feel his breath on my neck. Could smell the bluberries. My new favorite scent.
As the door opened, I closed my eyes, took a step in, shut the door. I turned back again, opened them.
The room was empty. The floor was wood, no carpet in the living room. All that remained was the coffee table, which consisted of one thing – a slip of paper. I walked swiftly into the kitchen, where all I found were the spotless counters. I opened the fridge. It wasn’t even on. I turned on my heels and charged into the bedroom. The bed was stripped of everything but sheets. The dresser was gone. The night stand, the lampshade…everything but what made my head spin.
I slowly edged toward the end of the bed. I retrieved the book, feeling the vaugely familiar leather cover. I opened the book directly to the page, where a note slid out and fell to the floor. I looked at the caption – reading it, over and over again. Just like last time.
It was a newspaper article stuffed inside Romeo & Juliet. The book Damon had called annoying, but wouldn’t explain why. Now I knew why.
The caption seemed to become three dimensional as I read it again and again, the words repeating in my mind.
Damon Slade and Marcie Anderson were found dead on December
25th, 1943. The Slade family were found dead the following night –
Suicide. Suicide. Suicde. It whispered in my head, telling me the truth. Tying to tell me what happened.
I dropped the book to the floor, running out to the living room. I picked up the note from the coffee table. No, fucking, way.
Zaylie,
I told you I’d tell you everything one day.
Here is that day. I didn’t know until
I found the book up in the attic of the
library. Zaybee, I need you to do
something for me. Go to her. Tell
her. She’ll help you, I promise. She and
Logan will both help you. I promise. I’m
doing a lot of promising, I know, but those
promises aren’t false. Not to scare you
but im writing this as they’re talking on
and on about how to kill me and such. It’s
boring here. You see, my blueberry, I’ve
messed up. Big time. In a couple of
months you’ll find that mistake out. To
us it’s no mistake at all really. But to the
rest of them it means something failed. I
have a feeling Daddy’s not too proud of me,
but I could really care fucking less. anyways
I sorry I left. Like, really, I am. I could’ve
just woken you up but something about that
didn’t seem right. Waking you up after
that to say goodbye just isn’t right and we
both know it. I’m guessing you’ve already
told J&A, so I’m not gonna get into that.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering why one
of the Council’s highest son is good to
trust is cause Logan knows full well what
will happen if he ever told a living soul
other than the ones that already know.
Alright, my hand is getting cramped up
And their waiting impaitently anyways, so
I’ma let you get back to reading. I love you
So much Zaylie. Nothing will change that.
Damon
I wasn’t crying anymore. I actually hadn’t been crying since he called me blueberry, but still. He wasn’t helping me by calling me that.
I’d know in two months. What did he mean? What failed?
I felt someone behind me. I could smell the chocolate Axe.
I whirled around facing him. He wasn’t actually there – I completely understood that. It’s what he was saying that made me confused.
“Do what she says, Zaylie. She knows best at this point. You’ll be kind of worried, but don’t be. She’s safe. She’ll keep you all safe. I promise you that.” A smile grew on his face. “Again with the promising.” He took a deep breath. “I’m coming back to you, Zaybee. I’m making sure of that. Just….just be paitent. But go with her. Wherever you are, I’ll find you.” He swallowed, his eyes lowering to somewhere. “That Friday night was the best time of my life. You’ll have to be balancing the pros and cons shortly, but in the end it’ll turn out amazingly.” He met my eyes again. “Obviously.” He shuffled his feet. “Oh, and I left something under the floorboard you fell on that Friday night. So check that.” He gazed around the room. “They made sure I don’t exist anymore, didn’t they?”
I swallowed back the lumped in my throat. “Yeah. They did.” I took a few steps toward him, knowing the lump had already won. “Why are they doing this to you, Damon? You didn’t do anything.”
He sighed. “It’s…it’s actually like the show you always watch. I completely forget it’s name, but…it’s just like that. A cold case.” He cocked his head. “That’s what’s it’s called, isn’t it? Cold Case? The one with Danny Pino?” I laughed, nodding. “Yeah, well, it’s like that. Unsolved.” He rolled his eyes. “To be honest, I bet if you and me teamed up, we could’ve cracked it in no time. But…it’s not how it works, obviously.”
I took his solid hands, not caring how streakingly hot they were. “I’ll miss you.”
He smiled – the same, solid, cocky smile. “I’ll miss you too.”
I took a deep, shaky breath as I stood on my tip toes and kissed him. Not as rough as Friday, not as gentle as the hospital.
And just as oddly as he came, he went. Poof. Just like that. Always like that.
To Be Continued